Wednesday, December 19, 2007

16-Year-Old Jamie Lynn Spears Reportedly Pregnant; Mr. And Mrs. Spears Officially World's Worst Parents

Hey, congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Spears. Your oldest spawn can't be bothered to show up for a simple court date in an effort to regain custody of her own kids because she's too busy crashing and burning on MTV and getting banned from the parking garage at the Four Seasons, and your sixteen-year-old Nickelodeon star has taken time out of her busy Zoey 101 shooting schedule to get knocked up by her "long term" boyfriend, which, in teenage speak means "That cute guy who kinda looks like Zac Effron that I've been MySpace messaging for the past two weeks." Good on you guys for raising such responsible daughters and pimping them out to the celebrity culture.

Did that come across as harsh? I'm sorry, I haven't had my morning latte enema yet.

Today is a good day. According to my weather widget, it is a balmy 36 degrees, so I officially left the winter coat at home. I'm strutting around with my brand spanking new Sweeney Todd t-shirt (how fun is it to walk into Hot Topic and buy a t-shirt for a Sondheim show? I propose they start carrying Sunday In The Park With George merchandise. I'd totally buy a Seurat air freshener) and red long underwear underneath, and I'm rockin' some Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab in "De Sade". Feelin' funky fresh and supafly this morning. Awww, yeah.

And now, the story of the mystery chair:

As some of you know (and some don't), the house I live in is the house I grew up in. After my mother and I moved out of it, onto our separate lives, the house stood empty. After six years, I purchased said home from my mother and my family and I moved in and promptly started taking down the ugly wallpaper and sponge painted borders that had tormented me through childhood (the faux-stone plastic paneling in the living room was particularly hideous).

Part of this remodel involved the basement, as I previously mentioned. And in this basement lies the Mystery Chair.

I don't remember ever seeing the Mystery Chair in our home as I was growing up. My mother has no clear recollection of it, either. But, when we went into the house after it had stood empty for six years, we found the Mystery Chair sitting, alone and forlorn, in the basement.

The Mystery Chair is an arm chair that looks as though it originated in that "different colors of rough, waffle-woven, homespun yarn in pastel colors as upholstery is a glamorous idea for any living room furniture" phase of the nineties. The shape is squat and modern, the colors don't match anything. It is too big to remove in one piece; it is wider than the only door to the basement.

I have three theories about this chair, and how it got into the basement without us knowing or having a hand in it:

  1. Someone broke into the vacant house, pulled up a section of floor, carefully lowered the chair down to the basement, then replaced the floorboards and relaid the carpet in such a way that their deed would not be noticed upon casual inspection of the floor, but would make a great impact when said hideous chair was found.
  2. The chair has always been there. Wrapped up in our own lives and every day drama, the chair stayed, neglected, unnoticed, until such a time as all of our crap was moved out and we were forced to confront the reality of the chair. Furthermore, the chair was placed in the basement prior to the construction of the house, which was built around the chair.
  3. Some point in our basement behaves in the same manner as the area around the event horizon of a black hole, and all the particles of the chair popped into our physical space when they disappeared from another location. For example, the chair may have been in our neighbor's house before its particles winked out of our known dimension and rematerialized in an area with a greater attractive force, ie, our basement. This black hole theory would also explain the disappearance of my REM Monster Tour t-shirt with Michael Stipe looking romantically angsty and defeated on it that went suddenly missing in high school.

Any way you slice it, I don't want to get rid of this chair. Is it ugly? Yes. Does its sudden appearance baffle me? Most certainly so. But it is the most comfortable chair ever to lovingly cradle my flat, white butt. Which opens up a world of paranoia all of its own:

  • Is the chair's comfort a plot to ensnare me, helpless, before the television to watch episode after episode of E! True Hollywood Story? Is it actually a sophisticated hologram beamed into my family room by the television networks to guarantee that I will be watching?
  • Is the chair actually a demonic entity, lulling me into a false sense of security before one day successfully draining my soul and feasting up on it as I writhe in agony, tormented by visions of my misdeeds?
  • Could the chair have been placed here by aliens as a calming amnesiac device to remove all memory of the horrible experiments they subject me to nightly?

All I know is, I don't want to get rid of this chair. It is a part of me, as I am a part of creation, all of the earth and sky.

And also, there is a guy sitting at the counter who has the most beautiful dreadlocks I've ever seen. Oh, various Gods and Goddesses of not getting arrested, please, please let me keep my hands to myself and refrain from all inappropriate touching. Amen.

Speaking of prayers, I need y'all to say some for my beautiful friend Christina, who is having surgery today. Send her prayers, energies, mental hugs, whatever you can so that she can have a good outcome and recovery.


  1. Your mystery chair is reminding me of something out of hitchhikers guide to the galaxy.


  2. Did you manage to refrain from all inappropriate touching of the beautiful dreadlocks?

  3. I pick option three for the chair's arrival and option two for its purpose.

    Life is short...your shoulda touched.

  4. It sounds eerily familiar to the Shoemaker and the Elves. Only the Upholsterer and the Chair. Try sprinkling breadcrumbs on the floor and see if it moves overnight.
    Energy prayers being sent NOW.

  5. Jamie, time to start investing in maternity wear... Not just for you but your "baby daddy." Check this out!

  6. Jamie, time to start investing in maternity wear... Not just for you but your "baby daddy." Check this out!

  7. Jamie, time to start investing in maternity wear... Not just for you but your "baby daddy." Check this out!

  8. Jamie, time to start investing in maternity wear... Not just for you but your "baby daddy." Check this out!


Say some stuff! If you can't think of anything to say, leave a link to a cute dog picture. I'm easy.