Well, I am up and alive this morning, regardless of the fact that Mr. Jen took the kidling to school this morning. So, here I am, broadcasting live from my newly remodeled and nearly completely painted family room in the basement.
And, I'm watching VH1. Why? Because I'm hip. I'm a "young person." I know things about youth culture and what "getting jiggy wit it" means. But I'm terrified of Beyonce.
Practically every time you see Beyonce, she's dancing. And not in a soothing, ballet kind of way. When Beyonce dances, you rarely see people dancing close to her. That is probably because her movements are so jerky and violent that the standard safety procedures for bystanders to a grand mal seizure are applicable.
Seriously, can she not dance without throwing her arms out, cranking her hips from side to side, and generally look like an osteopath's dream client? And she always looks real angry, like "Yeah, I'm dancing, but I don't want to, so don't get to close." Dancing is supposed to be happy, but it just seems to piss her off.
Beyonce is even scary when she's just standing in one place singing or posing for the camera or doing an interview. BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHEN SHE'S GOING TO START DANCING. No alarms go off, there is no warning. Watch some of her videos. She stands there singing and then BAM! There goes the arm out to her side. She's shooting angry looks at the camera and flailing around in what appears to be a version of The Robot with a critical malfunction.
Beyonce scares me.
Quick aside, I'd probably totally nail Alicia Keyes if I had the chance. Go watch THIS VIDEOand you'll know what I'm talking about. And if you say you don't, you're a liar. I'm the straightest person I know, and I would still hit that like a stack of pancakes.
I think this will be a big week here at this very blog. Look for posts this week about The Mystery Chair in my basement, the top fifteen men over fifty I'd totally do, and another VS. battle, because Bronwyn Green thinks I should make that a weekly thing. I think this week it will be that douche from Creed vs. the Rancor from Jabba's palace.