Monday, December 17, 2007

I'm Terrified Of Beyonce.

Well, I am up and alive this morning, regardless of the fact that Mr. Jen took the kidling to school this morning. So, here I am, broadcasting live from my newly remodeled and nearly completely painted family room in the basement.

And, I'm watching VH1. Why? Because I'm hip. I'm a "young person." I know things about youth culture and what "getting jiggy wit it" means. But I'm terrified of Beyonce.

Practically every time you see Beyonce, she's dancing. And not in a soothing, ballet kind of way. When Beyonce dances, you rarely see people dancing close to her. That is probably because her movements are so jerky and violent that the standard safety procedures for bystanders to a grand mal seizure are applicable.

Seriously, can she not dance without throwing her arms out, cranking her hips from side to side, and generally look like an osteopath's dream client? And she always looks real angry, like "Yeah, I'm dancing, but I don't want to, so don't get to close." Dancing is supposed to be happy, but it just seems to piss her off.

Beyonce is even scary when she's just standing in one place singing or posing for the camera or doing an interview. BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHEN SHE'S GOING TO START DANCING. No alarms go off, there is no warning. Watch some of her videos. She stands there singing and then BAM! There goes the arm out to her side. She's shooting angry looks at the camera and flailing around in what appears to be a version of The Robot with a critical malfunction.

Beyonce scares me.

Quick aside, I'd probably totally nail Alicia Keyes if I had the chance. Go watch THIS VIDEOand you'll know what I'm talking about. And if you say you don't, you're a liar. I'm the straightest person I know, and I would still hit that like a stack of pancakes.

I think this will be a big week here at this very blog. Look for posts this week about The Mystery Chair in my basement, the top fifteen men over fifty I'd totally do, and another VS. battle, because Bronwyn Green thinks I should make that a weekly thing. I think this week it will be that douche from Creed vs. the Rancor from Jabba's palace.


  1. I have the exact same issue with Beyonce. When she dances it's like some mad tribal declaration of war, and her eyes go all wild and her thighs... her thighs really scare me.

    I don't believe for a minute she's only 20-something. 20-somethings don't dance like that.

    Unless they're possessed.

  2. Yay! More VS!

    Wait! What about Santa VS. Chuck Norris?? C''s festive.

  3. I for one was disappointed not to see more clips of the Hoff. Does he know you've put paid to his story after only a few short days?

    Beware. He might come and get you because he is THE HOFF.

    Maybe Hoff vs Beyonce!

  4. I feel deprived - I've never stepped foot into a basement or an attic. We just don't have 'em here. Am I missing out on anything fun?

    Have a lovely day! :-)

  5. Tez: You're really only missing being underground.

    Stephanie: There is only so much Hoff the mortal mind can take... anymore and it would have been like looking into the face of God.

    Bronwyn: Santa vs. Chuck Norris, hmmm? Maybe that will be my special Christmas edition.

    Naomi: Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.


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