- Singing Hippie Couple A wannabe Josh Groban and a Neverwillbe Charlotte Church warble their way through what sounds like two entirely different songs. At the same time. "I love American Idol season!" I proclaim joyously.
- Creepy Dad And Chaste Son This dude gave his über-Christian son an abstinence necklace. The son keeps a key, a Freudian representation of his untouched manhood, and his father holds the reins to the heart or "proxy vagina" that he will one day give to his son's intended. This is in no way creepy or incestuous.
- Pia I am rooting for this chick. She'd better make it to at least the last twenty-four.
- Toenail man A boy who keeps his fingernails and toenails in a plastic baggy, and has been doing so for seven years. He wants to be a positive influence on American youth. For some absolutely bizarre reason, he made it to Hollywood.
- Kayla Kayla also unfathomably made it to the next round. Decked out in a fabulous ensemble from the Stevie Nicks collection circa 1985, Kayla shouted/rasped her way through a spectacularly awful and actually painful sounding Janis Joplin number. Simon loved her. Because someone switched his Folgers crystals with crystal meth.
- Violette Beauregard, post-Wonka gum man A very large, very blue black man who sang in a horrifying falsetto.
- A dude in a Member's Only jacket
- The Guy Who Wouldn't Stop Singing (tm) There is one of this guys every year, and every year security escorts them off. I'm reasonably sure they are paid members of the show. I wonder if this happens in other countries that do Pop Idol style shows.
- Male Model And His Tone Dead Wife A male model who encouraged his wife to try out for AI, even though she's clearly tone deaf. He argues with the judges, however, that he genuinely enjoys her singing. Someday, they will make a great cruise ship couple. He can be a waiter and she can sing in the cabaret-style monstrosity.
- Kyle, Future Governor of Oklahoma Fear not, Oklahomaians. Oklahomites? The worst musical tragedy since that Rodgers and Hammerstein musical just happened to your state, and his favorite movie is clearly Ella Enchanted.
- The most uncomfortable audition in American Idol history A very monotone girl came into the audition room, announced the song she would be singing, began to sing (badly) a completely different song, then paused, silent, for an interminably long amount of time.
- Country Blake An exact clone of Blake from last season, except a bigger douche because he sings country. If he beat boxes during "The Devil Went Down To Georgia," I may have to kill him.
- Carrot Man Imagine if Clay Aiken and Zac Effron had a baby, but the baby was orangified in a tragic self-tanner accident. And also, he was way, way gayer than both his parents combined.
At this point, I turned off the tv. I couldn't take any more. I saw a furniture commercial that made me sad, I cried so hard that I threw up, then I went to bed.
Hopefully next week's show will be a little better.