Okay, for YEARS I have told people about this television special I saw when I was little. It was something to do with Disneyland. It was really little at the time, like four or five. But of a few things, I was certain: Drew Barrymore was there, David Hasslehoff sang an oldies song in front of Space Mountain, Donna Summers danced with Cinderella and Snow White, Julian Lennon was there, and at the end, Peter Allen lead a marching band in front of a giant cake.
Obviously, no one believes me. This is the kind of thing I am prone to make up. Also, it's too unbelievable. David Hasselhoff? Peter Allen? A giant cake? Riiiiight.
But now I have proof. THANKS, YOUTUBE!
Why yes, those are Disney Animatronics singing "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters.
After the arrival of all the stars, Drew Barrymore and John Forsythe ask the Micromachines Man directions to Fantasyland. You see, it's vitally important that they arrive in time to see Donna Summers warble a disco ode to prostitution with Snow White and Cinderella. Then, there is some sentimental stuff about the building of Disneyland.
I'm really just waiting to get to the part where John and Drew introduce Alabama from the back of a flying Dumbo. Are you a fan of classic 80's country? Double-necked electric guitars? Mickey in a cowboy hat? You are so in luck, friends.
John gives Drew a history lesson about Dancing Hippos, which she responds to with her usual precociousness. Then, its off to part one of Debbie Allen's wildly inappropriate tribute to "Zippadee-doo-dah," where in she, dressed as a turn of the century New Orleans prostitute, leads costumed Mardi Gras revelers with high kicks and sheer spunk. And now, here's Roy! And after him? Tina Yothers and the guy who played the judge on Nightcourt, who finishes off a magic trick by handcuffing himself to his crotch.
At this point, all the naysayers who thought I was just making up wild tales need to realize that they gave too much credit to the power of my imagination. There is no way I could have been making this stuff up.
Along comes Bobby Bersini and his orangutans, who make rude noises set to music. And then, it's the moment I've been waiting for. One of them, anyway. People never believe me when I tell them my version of this story. I always tell them that David Hasselhoff drives in with KITT, jumps out in a black leather jacket outfit, and sings an oldies song.
It is so much more, my friends, than I could ever possibly imagine. The jacket is not black. It's SILVER. And he's not alone on stage. THE DANCING HIPPOS ARE THERE AS WELL. So are Minnie Mouse and, for some reason, Captain Hook. And the Big, Bad Wolf is playing guitar. With the Queen of Hearts on drums. It doesn't seem like it can get any more wonderful.
AND THEN BRER BEAR STARTS BREAK DANCING.
I could not make this up. Don't all of you doubters feel foolish now? VENGEANCE IS MINE!
Drew, John, and Dumbo introduce Marie Osmond, who sings and dances under an enormous pile of hair. Not only does she have more teeth than the average human, she has more hair, too. It's a scientific fact.
Then, after a ride through my favorite attraction, Donna Summers sings "Unconditional Love" in front of it.
The Pointer Sisters show up and perform amidst a flock of dancers dressed as Tron drivers. If anyone figures out what the "neutron dance" is, and if it applies to cold fusion somehow, please let me know.
Then, something happens that ruined my life for like, twenty-two years. No joke. Julian Lennon, who looks about twenty here, sings "Too Late For Goodbyes" on a raft in the Frontierland river. Which is fine, because it's a pleasant song. But after seeing this and hearing this song for the first time, it was then stuck in my head for OVER TWENTY YEARS. This, right here, is the reason that song was stuck in my head for so long. This isn't an exaggeration, you can ask people who have known me for a long time, and they'll back me about the twenty years thing. It took FOREVER to get it out. I'm afraid to listen to it, because it might get stuck back in there. So, you'll have to just watch the following clip without me:
After Drew and John talk about the various celebrities who've visited Disneyland and Annette Funicello, queen of the mouseketeers, makes Drew an honorary member of the Mickey Mouse Club, it's time for part two of Debbie Allen's "Zipadee-doo-dah" tribute, which shall henceforth be known as Debbie Allen's Jungle Freak Out. In order to calm you down from the wild native rhythms, the celebration cuts to Alabama performing on the Mark Twain riverboat as some lucky Disneyland guests turn it into a waterbound fire hazard.
Part 8 of our wonderful journey brings us to Marie Osmond and her huge hair wishing for a handsome prince to come sweep her off her feet. Unfortunately, the best Disney can do for her is David Hasselhoff. They sing a song together in front of a romantic tableau of dancers, but really, you can't concentrate on it at all, because their combined hair volume is truly alarming.
Throughout the show, imagineers share their memories of opening day. And as the show goes on, the memories seem to get progressively darker... like they're remembering a war or something. The tales start to sound pretty grizzly in this installment, what with the sinking boats and parents throwing their children around.
Oh, and Julian Lennon does an eerie impression of his father.
Returning from the commercial break, Debbie Allen does her best to offend and embarrass South American peoples everywhere with her calypso version of "Zippadee-doo-dah," but it is blessedly short. Then, a chimney sweep dance serves as an introduction to a lady who certainly doesn't need one. Julie Andrews, Mary Poppins herself, shows up to sing a bit from her legendary role and share a truly moving, personal story about Walt Disney that I used to fast forward through when I would watch this on video as a child. Then, she launches into the song that makes me weep every flipping time I hear it.
Okay, now comes the moment you've all been waiting for. At least, I have been waiting for it. It truly must be seen to be believed. If you have not clicked on any of these videos yet, you owe it to yourself to watch at least this one. After much fanfare, PETER ALLEN, dressed in a SPARKLY GOLD AND SILVER MARCHING BAND UNIFORM emerges from the castle gates and dances and sings his way down Mainstreet, U.S.A. This is another one of those things no one believes when I tell them. But I swear, it's the best thing you'll ever see in your life. Then, Mickey comes out on a giant cake, and Peter dances around THAT.
There you are. Probably the best hour you will ever spend in your entire life. Or, if you were like me, and your grandmother taped this when you were young, the best seventy or so hours, after repeated viewings.
Synopsis help will be on the way tomorrow. This was just too good not to share.