Thursday, April 2, 2009

Spare me your pathetic excuses, Free Credit Report guy!

First of all, new blog look... I'm not quite feeling it.

But that's not why I came here today. I came here to talk about this jerk, this epic douche, this FREE CREDIT REPORT guy.

Okay, so by now, everyone knows, as reported, the guy does not, in fact, sing his own songs. He's some French-Canadian dude who lip-synchs about bad credit for the commercials. I'm not surprised at this deception, considering the company doesn't actually offer "free" credit reports.

But that's not what bugs the hell out of me.

By the way, if you have no clue what I'm talking about, I have gone selflessly out of my way to bring you up to speed on Free Credit Report Guy. All you have to do is click play.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Let's examine the reasons I hate this guy.

In the first commercial, he claims that a hacker stole his identity. Now, I ask you: who would want to steal this guy's identity? He's like, thirty-years-old and in a folk-rock band that sings about credit reports in their spare time. Also, he apparently didn't have a job. Listen to that song again. He was on a job hunt and couldn't get any other jobs because he had bad credit. That means some hacker stole his unemployed, garage band identity, and screwed up his life. Yeah, I'm so sure you would be in a job that doesn't require a nametag if only that evil hacker didn't steal your identity. That's your problem, not the fact that you obviously didn't bother to get a haircut before the interview. Now get back to busing tables, hippie!

In the next one, we learn that he has married his smokin' hot wife, who does laundry in their cramped basement apartment beneath her parents' house while he has band practice all over the place. What are they singing about? Oh, the usual. Like how his wife has messed up credit, so they can't get a house.


His WIFE has bad credit, so they can't get a house? Are you kidding me? Isn't this the guy who couldn't get a job other than working in a seafood restaurant because his credit was so bad? If her credit is just soooo abysmal, why not leave her off the loan application? What was that? Because you don't make enough at your Long John Silver's job to qualify for a mortgage? Yeah, that's what I thought. Take some responsibility for yourself, jackass. You're a thirty-year-old dude in a folk-rock band. It's not like living in a basement wasn't in your future, anyway.

Our third installment opens with our "hero" behind the wheel of a shitty used car, lamenting his ability to get a "cool convertible" or an "SUV." For someone who finds cars so damned important, his wishes were awfully vague when showing up at the dealership. That aside, he proceeds to say tell the viewer that his credit was "whack." What, no excuses this time? No blaming? He owns up to being too lazy to check his credit report... but what about being too lazy to pay off your debts? Yeah, that's what I thought. How's your McJob working out for you? Did they ever find that mysterious "hacker" who screwed it all up for you?

His wife is conspicuously absent from the remainder of the adverts. She probably got sick of listening to him sing about how much he regretted marrying her and lamenting his choice of love over material gain and divorced him. I don't blame her. I'm just surprised that he's not blaming his money problems on him.

The plot of the next commercial strives to capture the tumultuous time last year when gas cost approximately three-hundred dollars a gallon. Free Credit Report Guy buys a bike, because gas is too expensive. With his spotty credit history, I'm willing to bet his vehicle was repossessed. But whatever, let's listen to his story like we actually care. He goes to the bicycle shop, where his credit score thwarts him again, and he ends up with a bicycle that is decidedly uncool.

Again, back up.

He financed a bicycle? One that you could easily find for twenty-five bucks at a garage sale?

I think I have spotted the real reason behind his failure to keep a clean credit slate. Why the hell would you have to finance a bicycle? Where are all his tips from the restaurant going? Aside from his alimony payment, that is. Which can't be that much. A girl like his ex isn't going to stay single for long.

Apparently, his job at Margaritaville isn't working out so great, because he ends up working a catering job in the fifth spot. Here, he claims that someone opened a credit card in his name. Now, either he's the most unlucky motherfucker on the planet when it comes to identity theft, or he's just lying to cover his ass. I choose door number two. I also can't quite figure out if he's implying that the celebrity whose party he is waitstaffing at is the person who stole his identity. Sounds like wishful thinking to me. In fact, at this point, I think he might be suffering a major psychotic break. Maybe he's still in the basement apartment, just pretending to work for a catering company. The plot thickens.

At the start of our final adventure (to date) with Free Credit Report Guy, he has cracked under the pressure of having bad credit, and opted to run away to the RenFaire. Oh, there's a sound financial choice, right there. Do you have any idea how much those costumes probably cost? Have you ever been to a RenFaire? The food is ridiculously expensive? This guy has finally lost it. Also, I think he might have gotten that chick pregnant.

In conclusion, check your credit, kids. Otherwise, you'll end up in the SCA.

No, wait, that wasn't what I started out trying to prove.

Ah, fuck it. It's still a fair conclusion.

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