Saturday, August 22, 2009

Colin Firth has special powers.

You may know him as Mr. Darcy from the miniseries version of "Pride and Prejudice." You may know him as... well, Mr. Darcy (okay, Mark Darcy, but really, you know it's the same character) from "Bridget Jones's Diary." He was the hot painter dude who died of a broken heart or something, I got bored at the end and wandered away, in "The Girl With The Pearl Earring." But what you may not know about Colin Firth are the lies I'm going to make up about him right now.

  • If the Easter Bunny is unable to carry out his appointed duties, the responsibilities of his position default back to Colin Firth.
  • Colin Firth is invulnerable to illness and most conventional weapons, but not sadness. He can be defeated with a single VHS copy of "Steel Magnolias."
  • Colin Firth has special powers that allow him to read your mail through the envelope. Unless that envelope is lined with lead.
  • One time, Colin Firth punched out a mime. To be fair, the mime had it coming.
  • If you turn out all the lights in your bathroom and say his name three times while looking at the mirror, Colin Firth will come out of your shower dressed like Mr. Darcy. But not from the lake scene, so make sure your shower isn't actually on when you try this.
  • Once, Colin Firth traveled on foot from a commune in Oregon to a farm in Paraguay, and he worked there for about four years.
  • If you throw salt over your shoulder, make sure none of it hits Colin Firth, because he is allergic.
  • There is a very specific kind of static electric charge created when a sweater and two stuffed animals are put in the dryer at the same time. This charge is known as "Colin Firth Electricity." No one knows why.

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