Tuesday, September 22, 2009

An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron and People Like Him.

If you're familiar with the Left Behind series of books, or Christianity in general, you're probably aware that Kirk Cameron is basically Jesus' BFF 4EVA. So much so, that when he heard that this Charles Darwin guy was saying a bunch of shit about how Jesus didn't create the world like he said he did, and maybe evolution happened, Kirk was like, "THIS WILL NOT STAND" and totally made a bunch of low-budget movies and even lower-budget youtube videos asking you to come to Jesus and pray and also send his foundation some money. In fact, in this one, you're informed of people having yard sales to be able to fund Kirk Cameron getting Jesus' back in his ongoing fight with sense and reason. Damn, Jesus, take a chill!

But yeah, basically, people are selling their shit on their lawns in order to raise money so that Kirk Cameron can annoy college students about Jesus:



Oh, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk. Gentle Kirk. Let me answer some of your questions and ease your troubled mind.

First of all, Kirk, kids are allowed to pray in public. You're allowed to pray in public. The guy on the street corner who is always screaming at me that he can see the demons in my soul, he prays all the time. It is not illegal to pray in public. There isn't some commando force that has little bugs planted all over your town, just waiting to hear you drop a stray "Praise Him!" so that they can screech up in their black vans and pile out and zip-tie your wrists and beat you with Islamic propaganda. Though it would be cool if they did exist. They could call themselves "The God Squad" and wear badges with crosses on them with the red circle with the line through it over them. And they could say things like, "Not on my watch, Churchy!" while they hit people.

But that would be discrimination.

Anyway, Kirk, stuff like that just doesn't happen. And one of the reasons that the Gideons aren't able to give their Bibles away in schools is, well, because of your side. You see, in some school districts, they've tried making an all-inclusive policy about religious materials. See, in Abermarle county, in Virginia, two kids wanted to include information about their church's vacation bible school in their classroom's "backpack mail," a system by which notes are sent home with students for their parents to see. Because it was a religious announcement, the school said no. And after many concerned individuals got involved in protecting these kids' "liberties," it was determined that okay, religious groups were welcome to include in the "backpack mail" information on upcoming community activities.

And then, a Unitarian Universalist church decided to send home information about a Yule celebration, inviting families to come and share the Pagan side of the December holidays. Christians, just like you, Kirk, had a collective tantrum. You see, when they were fighting for the "liberties" of people who wanted to share their religion with other people, the religion they had in mind was, well, Christianity. And anything else? Well, fuck their liberties, they don't get any!

In other words, Kirk, in this case, Christians were the ones who squashed religious liberties. Not evil, leftist atheists.

Now, you're disgusted that Christianity isn't allowed in schools. And you go on to inform us that 61% of professors in the fields of biology and psychology are atheists or agnostics. Isn't it good for you, Kirk, that the same rule prohibiting you from marching into a classroom and demanding that everyone open their hearts to Jesus is the exact same rule that prohibits those professors from sharing their beliefs with students? Yes, yes, I know, atheism is on the rise in the 19-24 year old age group. But the thing about statistics is, you can skew them to mean anything you want. Because 19-24 year olds also are the highest age group applying for Pell grants, I'm going to link atheism with that. See how it works? It's ridiculous, right? Well, it's also ridiculous for you to assume that a rise in atheism in 19-24 year olds can be linked to 61% of professors of two subjects at fifty universities.

I'm a reasonable person. By that, I mean, I like to think about things logically and without emotion. And that's hard for me, Kirk, when talking about religion. Because I'm a fan of Jesus. I'm a fan of most religions, except for Scientology. But I think that you and others of your ilk have really made a nuisance of yourselves. You look for things that aren't there in order to prove your points. Like saying that Charles Darwin was racist and sexist. Well, say it ain't so, Kirk! A racist, sexist white man in the 19th century? No great man could ever be racist or sexist! Like the Apostle Paul, for example. He loved women, right? I mean, you're hip to the old B-I-B-L-E, right Kirk? I'm sure you can show me all sorts of enlightened, feminist writings in the New Testament, right?

If you're going to try and argue science with me, Kirk, you need to list some scientists who "believe that God created the universe," who were born after 1879, and who didn't live in a society where suggesting that God might not exist wouldn't be punishable by burning at the stake.

So, your friend is going to distribute fifty-thousand copies of On The Origin of Species, with a new introduction with a Gospel message, in the nation's fifty top universities, and the students, who, by your own admission, are not stupid, and they're going to read this book and decide that evolution is a lie? The joke is on you, Kirk, because they're not going to BYU. They're going to real colleges, where non-Jesus related classes are taught.

Now, this message is straight from the devil, who dwells within my evil soul (Praise his infernal name): All thinking people, the world over, do me a solid. Tonight, when you're getting all fired up with your beloved (or with yourself, because I'm a heathen and all about the masturbation), imagine Kirk Cameron. Imagine Kirk Cameron engaged in sweaty, filthy, low-down and raw man-on-man, homosex lovin' with Charles Darwin. Take it as far you like. And really, give it the old college try.

And then write down those fantasies and send them to me, and I'll insert them as erotic scenes into public domain novels, so that we can all enjoy them just as much as those college kids are going to enjoy the new "introduction" to On The Origin of Species. I'm thinking Little Women would be a good choice for that project.

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