Friday, September 4, 2009

Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From Fantasy Movies

It's true. Everything I ever need to know about life, I have learned from fantasy movies. For example, without The Dark Crystal, I would never have known that birds are fucking evil. And without Labyrinth, I would have taken a lot longer to realize how awesome David Bowie is. So, without further ado, here is a list of things I have learned from Fantasy movies:

  • Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it, and then you'll realize that you're way too young to handle it and also it is probably just a tube sock. (Labyrinth>
  • Never run from from anything immortal; it only attracts its attention. (The Last Unicorn)
  • You know that guy you think is so hot? He's going to grow up to be Tom Cruise crazy. (Legend)
  • Every situation can be fixed with a well-timed dance number and a chipper, upbeat song. (Enchanted)
  • Death is something you're going to be able to pretty easily bargain your way out of.(Darby O'Gil and The Little People)
  • There is no way to make roller skating look cool. (Xanadu)
  • Evictions are a bitch. (The Secret of NIMH)
  • When all else fails, pretend to be Swedish. (Splash)
  • When that fails, pretend there is an imminent gas main explosion. (Ghostbusters 2)
  • Don't worry, no matter what you do, you'll probably never fuck up as bad at anything as Disney did at this. (The Black Cauldron)
  • Your English teacher CLEARLY did not watch this movie before she brought it to class. (Excalibur)
  • True love really can conquer all, but you have to have a whole team of people working on it. (Ladyhawke)
  • Wolves, lions, it really doesn't matter because both of them will eat you. (Le Pact Des Loups)
  • Fucking rabbits. (Harvey/Donnie Darko)
  • No one will notice how racist your movies are if you make a Holocaust movie and a slave-mutiny movie back-to-back a few years later. (Any of the original Indiana Jones movies)
  • Wizards are just like bombs. They even have remote detonators (Dragonslayer)
  • What is this I don't even... (Clash of The Titans)
  • Just because you imagine yourself as the hero of a really exciting book doesn't mean you aren't still a total nerd in real life. (The Neverending Story)
  • There can be only one. Until later. Then, there can be another one. Possibly three or four. (Highlander, the entire series and tv shows)
  • The afterlife is going to be a lot like the DMV, so be sure to die with a magazine in your hand. (Beetlejuice)
  • Cary Elwes is a badass mother fucker, even if he does have a girl's name. (The Princess Bride)
  • Size doesn't matter, little people are capable of great things, whatever, what is up with Sorcha's hair? (Willow)

Feel free to add to this list, in the comments.

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