They have to be fictional, though. That's the thing. I don't want people like them to exist. I want the real world to be full of nice people. Nice people who are funny. And, preferably, beautiful.
Like those guys, right there. ROWR.
Still, there is something about a guy who is dangerous in a real way, not a motorcycle jacket way, and it's safe, so long as he's fictional.
I give you my list. My top five shameful, why-am-I-into-that, fictional guy crushes.
- #5. Captain Barbossa, The Pirates of The Caribbean franchise
Know why I like him? Because he's not just evil. He's honest about being evil. I mean, okay, Jack Sparrow was funny, and he was also Johnny Depp, so he wasn't lacking in the looks department. But he was selfish and awful, and everyone seemed to forget that simply because he was cute and funny. Barbossa, now he's not cute, and he's not funny. He's a bad guy. He doesn't do anything that isn't self-serving, he has no qualms about spilling blood to get what he wants, no matter who you are. He doesn't seem to have any sort of attachment to any person, place, or thing, except for his pet monkey. And I'm pretty sure he'd drown him in a toilet if you paid him enough, and be pretty satisfied with his actions doing it.
Still, there is something elegant about a villain like Barbossa. He might cut your throat, but he'll probably apologize for the inconvenience right before he does it.
- #4. Citizen Chauvelin, The Scarlet Pimpernel novels
Ah, I do have a girl boner for French police inspectors, don't I? But I've chosen Citizen Chauvelin for this list because he's truly a total asshole, not just misguided about morality. He seems to know what morality is, and he's moral when he feels like it. He wants to support the people's revolution, but when he finds out that Sir Percy is the Scarlet Pimpernel, he doesn't tell anyone because he wants to be the person who gets credit for catching him. That's right. Screw the revolution, screw the people who are depending on me to help them reform their government, I need to appease my ego and make sure my career advances.
Depending on which version of the story you're familiar with, Chauvelin is either the former acquaintance or lover of Marguerite, who just happens to be married to the Scarlet Pimpernel. When Chauvelin gets tired of using her for information, he turns her over the convention to lure the Pimpernel into a trap. Basically, he's totally okay with cutting his ex-girlfriend's head off as a step toward his long-term goal.
Why is he sexy? Because he's ruthless. He knows what he wants, and he'll stop at nothing to get it. Kind of like those Greek Tycoons and Australian Billionaire Bosses in Harlequin novels, except he'd have no problem handing someone over to be guillotined.
- #3. Dracula
Really, are you surprised to see him show up here? Dracula is the single most bad-ass vampire of all time. Why? Because he doesn't pretend to be evil and end up being a total pussy with a bunch of feelings and heartbreak (cough *CYRUS* cough cough). He just is evil. "Oh, I'm sorry, you don't want to be my blood-enslaved minion? I'm going to go ahead and let my hell-bitches devour you. And just to show that it's nothing personal, I'm going to turn your wife into a vampire and lead you on a merry chase as you try to destroy me." Seriously, this guy is rich and powerful enough that he doesn't have to use his paranormal powers to scare people, but he does anyway. Because he can. When Jonathan Harker goes to Transylvania to hammer out the details of the Carfax Abbey purchase, he does nothing to deserve being imprisoned and tortured, besides being the single most over-zealous real estate agent of all time. But-- and I'm going to remind you that it's just because he can-- Dracula goes all Prince of Darkness on him and then brings the fight back to Harker's home turf.
The upside of Dracula? He's rich, he's handsome, and he does seem capable of forming romantic attachments, even if they're only temporary. Plus, vampire, helloooooooo!
- #2. Col. Landa, Inglourious Basterds
Hey, you know what's even worse than a French guy who'll happily serve the Revolution but turn his back on it when he could stand to profit? A guy who has the same "Me First" code of honor, but also he's a Nazi.
The combination of taboo factor, elegance, plus the fact that he seems to delight in setting psychological traps for his victims, really cements his place on this list.
- #1. Hannibal Lecter, Thomas Harris's crime novels
If this guy right here drove up to my house in a respectable car and said, "Get in," I would do it. Why? Because even though he's a homicidal cannibal, Hannibal Lecter is a gentleman. He genuinely likes the people who aren't out to get him, and seems content only to murder those who intend to do him grievous harm. Of course, since he's crazy, "grievous harm" could mean anything from unknowingly offending him with your poor playing in a symphony orchestra to getting a wee-bit too close to figuring out that he's a murderer. Still, he passion and sensuality for the finer things in life really make my knees weak. You're not going to see this guy eating someone's face on a plate next to some Pringles or Cheetos. He's first class all the way.
Plus, he's a doctor, and we all know that we're supposed to snag one of those, am I right, ladies?