Tuesday, September 8, 2009

There is no Beyonce, only Zool.

I have blogged in the past about Beyonce's terrifying dance habits. A commenter recently reminded me of that post:

"I have to say, Beyonce is indeed frightening... I'm pretty sure all the thrashing she does would be fatal to anyone else. I don't know how she does it, and I don't mean that as a compliment."

That wasn't the whole thing, I'm rocking movie-poster review style. Anyway, it remembered me of the fact that Beyonce has a new video out. How could I not share it with you, and include commentary?



The beginning of the video gives us Beyonce floating, Dana Barret style, above her bed, while a creepy lullaby plays. The Holy Spirit makes an appearance, too, but he's hauling ass to get out of there before the Prince-inspired guitars take over. Then, we're into the song proper. Beyonce demands that someone "turn the lights on," despite the fact that she's standing in a desert, under a rainbow. Silly Beyonce, if the lights weren't already on, how would that rainbow be there? Don't you know that rainbows are the product of light refracting and reflecting off of moisture in the air? Rainbows are light!

For a few seconds, Beyonce dances solo and backward, and the effect almost makes me expect King Leonidas to show up and ask if he can has war now. Instead, a couple of the mannequins from the Robert Palmer video show up, and they join Beyonce in her orgy of spastic movement. Honestly, I'm not quite sure what they're trying to accomplish. It seems like she's trying to portray the lyrics through modern interpretive dance, but also finger spell things without quite knowing the alphabet.

Next up is the Beyonce fashion show. Capes are gonna be big this fall. Also, a word to America's Next Top Model contestants: do as Beyonce and lead with your chest.

At this point, Beyonce delivers on her terrifying promise to begin violently dancing without warning. To my horror, this involves a lot of grabbing of private areas and demonstration of hip motion that she will probably not be able to do in five years without surgical intervention, if she keeps it up.

Another costume change appeases the hungry goddess Beyonce, and she seems almost cheerful during the next verse, waving at the camera and even, wait, no, it couldn't be... is she... SHE IS! BEYONCE IS SMILING!

Now, Beyonce visits a hall of mirrors, which one can only assume she rented from Tyra Banks's house. She grinds against herself and delivers a few lines to herself while directing sultry gazes at herself and wait, was this DIRECTED by Tyra Banks?

The mirrors shatter, and Beyonce dances as glass shards whip through the air. Which probably explains what happened to her shirt.

At the bridge, C-3PO's hot sister takes over dancing duties, but unfortunately, she's just as graceful as her big brother. Which is okay, because then Beyonce comes back from her coffee-and-get-glass-out-of-my-eyes break. She seems to have forgotten her pants, but that doesn't stop her from flashing crotch in yet another, seemingly spontaneous, deviation from all sense and reason to rub her chest and thrust her hips. She also does a few dance moves that are fair game now that Michael Jackson is dead, and it's back to She-3PO.

Remember that giant metal glove thing Beyonce was rocking in her video about how if you like it, then you should have put a giant, medieval gauntlet ring on it? Well, now she's doing like, two of those, and chest armor, and I'm thinking that if she isn't a robot already, she's trying to become one.

Basically, what I'm saying is, don't look into her eyes there at the end, because she's probably using her robot hypno ray to enslave human kind, and I will not be forced into some kind of robot death camp where I'm forced to dance like that.

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