Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Turning 30, the Yahoo! messenger epic. Also starring Bronwyn Green

Me:
I just slept for 14 hours.
Am I dying?

Bronwyn:
Are you sick? Also, I'm jealous

Me:
I don't feel sick.
Maybe I'm getting sick.
WHICH IS BULLSHIT THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY.
But if I'm not getting sick, WTF.
Is this what happens when you turn 30? You go into a coma?

Bronwyn:
Maybe your body recognized it was coming down with something and decided to sleep it off. [name omitted] does that all the time

Me:
That would be awesome, if somehow my body realized it should do something good for itself.
Most of the time, when I start to get sick, I also stop sleeping and being hungry.
Like my body is saying, "Bootstraps, young man!"
Why are you awake so early?

Bronwyn:
Editing.

Me:
Fuck that. Burn down your house, collect the insurance money, move to the bahamas, profit.

Bronwyn:
Oh, how I want to.

Me:
I think I'm having a mental break down.

Bronwyn:
Seriously?

Me:
No, not really.
I had a dream that I had to get my high school boyfriend to sign some paper having to do with my kids.

Bronwyn:
I'm sorry you're cranky. I'm feeling pretty bitchtastic myself.

Me:
Is this what it's going to be like every time I go into a new decade of age?
Like, "OMG IT IS MY LAST DAY IN MY _______IES! I MUST GO IMMEDIATELY INSANE."
I'm googling old classmates.
I have wasted the last ten years of my life.
This is it. It's a midlife crisis.

Bronwyn:
That's pretty much how it works. Just be prepared to rage insanely every ten years - sometimes it starts early and lasts longer.

Me:
Which means I'm only going to live to be sixty.
That is not good news, Bronwyn.
I am disappoint.
Deeply, deeply disappoint.

Bronwyn:
You did not waste your life - you made two amazing kids, you write books, you have fantastic friends - this is not a waste.

Me:
I had one, long dream during my fourteen hours of sleep. All of it came down to trying to clean things by setting them on fire or running from people younger than me who had guns.
This is not a good sign.

Bronwyn:
This is your paranoia and freakout about turning 30.

Me:
I'm actually surprised that it waited this long.
This whole week should have been like this, knowing me.
I'm going to go wake up Joe and share these thoughts with him.

Bronwyn:
I'm not sure if it'll make you feel any better, but I've kinda been waiting for this.

Me:
Oh, good. I'm glad someone was anticipating my mania.

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