Tuesday, April 17, 2012

More absolutely true facts about Colin Firth (that I just made up)

As some of you may recall, in the past I have made up wild fabrications about Colin Firth and proclaimed them true and real facts.

Well, today is no different from that horrible day.

Colin Firth is, as you may recall, the Academy Award and BAFTA winning actor who won acclaim for such productions as The King's Speech and British Movie Where Everyone Looks Very Serious. Or, you might know him, as I do, for being Jonathan Firth's older, less hot brother. (This one is true. Look it up).

So, for all of you who are fans of lies, or Colin, here you are, without further ado, ten more absolutely (not) true and totally (fake) real facts about Colin Firth:

(Not pictured: Colin Firth's chin skin)

  • Colin Firth has no bones, and requires a strict starching regimen to remain upright.
  • Colin Firth's favorite type of cloud is stratus. His favorite type of car is also a Stratus.
  • Hawks and other raptors have a special kind of secondary visual sense, known as Firth Location, when in the vicinity of Colin Firth. This enables the bird to maintain visual lock on Colin Firth at all times.
  •  Travelling through Scotland with Colin Firth is nearly impossible, as he wants to stop and get a picture by every sign with the word "Firth" on it.
  • Speaking of Scotland, Colin Firth built the Falkirk Wheel. With his hands.
  • Like Benjamin Button, Colin Firth ages backwards. Unfortunately, he was/will be, a very old baby.
  • On a list of most influential people in the history of Britain, Colin Firth falls between Winston Churchill and St. George. At this point in history, only The Doctor knows why this is.
  • The spider that is crawling on my desk is really such a huge fan of Colin Firth.*
  • Though he won't admit to it in public, Colin Firth is the mortal incarnation of the god Odin.
  • Colin Firth is an excellent swimmer.*
*these might actually be true, I have no way of knowing.



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