Saturday, August 25, 2012

How To Shame Your Husband

Today, my friend Warnement was telling me about this funny website where owners shame their dogs. I was like, "Shave their dogs?" and he was like "Shame them," and I was like, "Aha, Joe! I told you yesterday when they were talking about this on the radio in the car that the dj said 'shamed' and you were like, 'he said shaved, why don't you get the wax out of your ears?' and look who is flying high now on a rainbow of promises. This foxy lady right here!"

There may have been a celebratory dance involved.

If you are unfamiliar with what I'm talking about, there is a website where people submit photos, more like mugshots, if you will, of their guilty looking dogs beside hand written signs that explain what it was the dog did bad. Sometimes, the dog is pictured at the scene of the crime, or with evidence of his or her doggy wrong doing. Some of them don't look guilty at all, which is even better. There is actually a chihuahua who looks like a hardened criminal facing a long sentence, but who has a tattoo of the Chinese character for YOLO. The site is here, but it's not safe for work. The first link on the right hand side is of a woman getting her butthole tatooed. And apparently, she loved it. Emphasis mine.

You get the idea, right? Well, I decided that if it worked with dogs, it has to work with humans, right? And there are all these annoying things my husband does. So, I decided to call him out on them. And he was a great sport about it:

"I clean floors before I clean the surfaces."

"I've never read Jen's books. :( " *

"I try to tell Jen how to cook."

"The only time I tell Jen I love her is when I fart in the car." **

"I leave my stubble from shaving in the sink."

*This is true. Joe has never read any of my books all the way through. He read the first three chapters of The Turning, and occasionally he will read the sex scenes from my books aloud as he chases me through the house.

**Look how not guilty he looks about this one. And it's also true. He will turn to me with such tenderness and say, "I love you." My heart will start to melt. And then I smell it.

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