Monday, November 12, 2012

To thoroughly enjoy the following tale of horror, you're going to have to ignore the fact that my house was a disaster when I took these pictures. You will see dust. You will see clutter. But you'll also see the very face of evil in this world. So, you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you'll have -


My grandmother will routinely find stuff at yard sales or Goodwill and then bring it home and gift my children with these finds. Which I'm usually cool with. But I came home from my conference last weekend to find these soulless hell beasts staring at me from my dining room table. Which had a bunch of dishes on it because, you know, I was at conference and I'm the only person in the house capable of putting dishes in the fucking sink. That was the least of my troubles when I saw this, though. I thought my husband was pulling a cruel prank on me.

I got myself some dinner, then came out of the kitchen to find them doing this:

Just about the only thing creepier than a resin sculpture of innocent-looking children with vacant, vaguely hopeful expressions is the same thing, but staring at the wall like this is the end of the goddamned Blair Witch Project. Since I am easily startled, this got quite a reaction out of me.

And yes, this time, it was my husband playing a creepy, awful trick on me.

Later, as I sat in my office, reflecting over the good times I'd had that weekend, my daughter - who is completely enamored of this horrible sculpture, comes in and says, "My children want paper. My children want to color." I'm like, "Your children?" and then I look out my office door and, through the smudges on the glass, I see this:

They were staring right in at me. I swear, I heard some spectral voice going, "La la la la la-la," or something, it was that spooky.

Daughter now carries these around everywhere and refers to them as "her children," in what has to be the most unsettling little girl from a horror movie voice ever.

I live with these things now, guys. They are a part of my life now.

If you never hear from me again, it's because they have dragged me with them into the jaws of the abyss.

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