Saturday, April 20, 2013

50 Shades Freed chapter 13, or "Ana is the only gay in the village."

Let me say thank you, dear readers, for your patience with my spotty updating lately. And thank you for being understanding about the fact that today is 4/20 and I observed it heartily, watching alternating episodes of Little Britain and The Aquabats Super Show and that's why this isn't posting until 9:15pm EST.

So, I really hate this fucking book.
We land smoothly at Sardy Field at 12:25 p.m. (MST).
Damn. I can never catch a break.
"Good landing." Christian grins and shakes Stephan's hand as we get ready to file out of the jet.
"It's all about the density altitude, sir." Stephan smiles back. "Beighley here is good at math."
I wish Beighley would have been good at science, instead, and then all of these characters would be dead now.

There is a silver lining, however, in that I can totally imagine Stephan as Stefon, dropping double entendres and maybe not-so-subtly wiping the corner of his mouth when he said the math thing.

"He's excellent at long division, Seth."

They get off the plane and into a minivan. Which surprises me, because it's not a gold-plated minivan, or a minivan studded with diamonds and full of BDSM gear or something. It's just a regular minivan, and Christian makes a joke about making out in the back of it.
I giggle. Who is this man, and what has he done with Mr. Unbelievably Angry of the last couple of days?
I'm no psychologist, but that's not going to stop me from diagnosing Christian Grey with Dissociative Identity Disorder.
For some unfathomable reason I feel shy with him today. Why? Last night? Being with company? I can't put my finger on it.
It's because you're used to being completely isolated with him, and now there are people around, so you don't know how to behave or what your role is supposed to be, and you're afraid you're going to be punished if you don't do everything exactly right. And gosh, I don't know where you got that idea from, when Chedward has been such a supportive and understanding partner so far.

Hey, have you ever overheard someone criticizing a piece of art by saying, "My kid could draw that?"
The trees are green, but a whisper of the coming fall is evident here and there in the yellowing tips of the leaves. The sky is a clear crystal blue, though there are darkening clouds to the west. All around us in the distance loom the Rockies, the highest peak directly ahead. They're lush and green, and the highest are capped with snow and look like a child's drawing of the mountains.
My kid could draw that.

I'm a bit confused at the description of Aspen mountain. Because as mountains go in the United States, it's not that big. It's probably not even in the top 100 tallest mountains we have. And it's certainly not the tallest of the Rocky Mountains. That's Mt. Elbert. And I'm not sure there's snow on Aspen mountain in the summer. Anyone from Aspen want to confirm or deny the presence of snow in August?

But the statement that it looks like a child's drawing is just so classically Ana. She cannot be impressed with anything. Ever.
We're in the winter playground of the rich and famous. And I own a house here. I can barely believe it. And from deep within my psyche, the familiar unease that's always present when I try to wrap my head around Christian's wealth looms and taunts me, making me feel guilty. What have I done to deserve this lifestyle? I've done nothing, nothing except fall in love.
There's nothing I like more than a little Dutch Reform Protestantism in my poverty shaming porn. Let's talk some more about worldly wealth and how if you're not "deserving" of it, you should be ashamed to have it or aspire to it. This does not sound classist at all.

Ethan asks Ana if she's ever been to Aspen, and it turns out Kate and Ethan came there all the time as kids to go skiing.
"I'm hoping my husband will teach me how to ski." I glance up at my man.
I struggle to hold back my vomit.
"Don't bet on it," Christian mutters.
"I won't be that bad!"
"You might break your neck." His grin gone.
Oh. I don't want to argue and sour his good mood, so I change the subject.
"Husband, I would like to do this activity that, while carrying a high amount of risk at advanced levels, is safe enough that a child can do it as a beginner. That's okay, right?" "NO! Now get back into your plastic bubble, and don't even think about standing and walking anywhere ever again. You might get a blister and my fragile psyche couldn't bear even the slightest injury to your person."

Yeah, that's totally sane, right?

On the car ride, Ana notices something not right about Kate's mood:
[...] Kate is quiet, and I wonder if she's brooding about Jack Hyde or something else. Then I remember. Aspen... Christian's house here was redesigned by Gia Matteo and rebuilt by Elliot. I wonder if that's what's preoccupying Kate.
This paragraph really shows us how selfish and self-centered Ana is. She's making the assumption that Kate is as consumed by Christian Grey drama as Ana is. I can understand the thought that she might be concerned about Jack Hyde, since Elliot is affected and they were just talking about it on the plane. But seriously? Why would Kate be worried about Gia Matteo? Ana's taking it for granted that Kate is as threatened by this woman as Ana is, and that Kate is as insecure about the fidelity of her relationship as Ana is. The fact that Kate has just been treated with open rudeness and hostility by Christian doesn't cross Ana's mind; since she thinks Chedward is the most amazing person to ever live and because she's content to let him treat her like an underling, Kate will automatically share the same opinion. At this point, I can't tell if it's a coping method born from denial, or if Ana is just a horrible human being.

Ana asks Christian why he bought a place in Aspen:
"Mom and dad used to bring us here when we were kids. I learned to ski here, and I like the place. [...]"
"Ana, I just really want to drive the point home here. I don't think you're capable at age twenty-two to safely engage in an activity that I, the almighty Chedward, mastered as a child."

He also tells Ana that if she doesn't like the house, they'll just sell it and get another one. Remember how his brother, you know, built the place? And he's in the car with them while they're having this conversation? Just pointing that out.

They arrive at the house, there's a description of it, but all you really need to know is that it's modern and sleek like every other place Christian Grey has ever lived in/been to. I wonder if he sends someone ahead to the dentist's office to report back on whether or not it's minimalist enough for his tastes.

A woman comes out to greet them:
She's tiny and her raven-colored hair is dusted with gray.
So, she's old, and therefore she may live without constant death glares and conflict over imagined slights from her new employer. Christian tells Ana that the housekeeper is Mrs. Bentley, and I double over laughing because he's a billionaire who drives an Audi and has a housekeeper named Bentley.

We learn that Mrs. Bentley and her husband live at the house in Aspen full time to take care of it. Why not, and this is a fucking crazy idea, just close up the house, get an alarm, pay a security company to check it out every now and then, and have Mr. and Mrs. Bentley open the house when you want to use it? I need to be in charge of managing Christian's finances, because it's a fucking vacation house. It's not Downton Abbey.

They go inside, and of course we have to hear how humble Ana is:
How much did this place cost? And I have contributed nothing to it. Briefly I'm transported back to the first time Christian took me to Escala. I was overwhelmed then. You got used to it, my subconscious hisses at me.
I am getting so tired of this whole, "Oh, I'm so uncomfortable with wealth" bullshit from Ana. We already know that Kate's family is rich, and that Ana has benefited from that wealth. She lived rent free all through college because of it, and moved (briefly) into another free apartment because of it. She had no problem taking from Kate, even going so far as to borrow Kate's Mercedes and drive it super fast on the highway for fun. But Christian's wealth is somehow sacred. Why? I get a moment or two of, "Holy shit, this guy is super rich," when they get on the private jet or whatever. But at this point she's seen his house, he's bought her two cars, they've gone out on his sailboat, they spent weeks in France on a yacht, he bought her a house... why is she still bowled over by how rich he is?

My theory is that by having her subconscious snark at her about money, the author is trying to convince us that Ana is a "good person," since "good people" should be uncomfortable about money they didn't earn. Instead, it comes off like Ana has short-term memory loss: "What?! My husband is RICH?! How do I even deal with this?!"

Speaking of Ana's subconscious, I'm officially imagining these two as her subconscious and inner goddess:
Dame Sally's books are also infinitely better than this one.

Christian gives her a tour of the place, everything is marble this and sleek, modern that, and when he shows her the den and she sees the billiards table she gapes and blushes because OMG THEY ARE SO NAUGHTY AND SEXUALLY ADVENTUROUS THEY HAVE FUCKED ON A POOL TABLE BEFORE.

The master bedroom has a view of the mountain:
"That's Ajax Mountain... or Aspen Mountain, if you like."
"Because I own it and can name it whatever I choose! If you don't like it, I'll knock it down and put up a rainforest instead! We'll level the whole town and fuck on any pool table we like! THE WORLD IS OURS!" Yes, I know locals call it Ajax, but I don't care. It's funnier to imagine our Master of The Universe renaming mountains as he pleases.

Ana is like, obsessed with Gia, because she brings her up again. I'm really starting to believe the theories about Ana's latent homosexuality you guys have come up with, because she cannot let Gia go in this chapter. She asks what she did to the house, and she asks if Christian knows that Elliot slept with her, which leads to another homophobic conversation. You know, since we haven't had one of those in a while:
"Elliot's fucked most of Seattle, Ana."
I gasp.
"Mainly women, I understand," Christian jokes. I think he's amused by my expression.
"No!"
Christian nods. "It's none of my business." He holds his palms up.
"I don't think Kate knows."
"I'm not sure he broadcasts that information. Kate seems to be holding her own."
I'm shocked. Sweet, unassuming, blond, blue-eyed Elliot? I stare in disbelief.
I can't even with this nonsense. First of all, why does Ana assume that Kate must not know about Elliot's sexual past or bisexuality? The thing about relationships that aren't with Christian Grey is, people talk to each other in them. Second, is Ana implying that if a woman finds out her guy is bisexual or has had sexual experiences with men in the past, that's an automatic break up? Third... what the hell does being blond and sweet have to do with anything? I didn't realize hair color had anything to do with sexuality.
Christian tilts his head to one side, scrutinizing me. "This can't just be about Gia's or Elliot's promiscuity."
"I know. I'm sorry. After all that's happened this week, it's just..." I shrug, feeling tearful all of a sudden.
She's tearful after talking about Gia, this woman she's obsessed with, and Elliot being bisexual? Yup, you guys called it. Ana has some major confusion over her own sexuality.
"I know. I'm sorry, too. Let's relax and enjoy ourselves, okay? You can stay here and read, watch god-awful TV, [...]"
Read a god-awful book, start drinking just to cope...

Christian advises Ana to forget what he said about Elliot, because apparently someone's sexuality can totally ruin someone else's good time. Ana thinks Elliot's sexual past is why he teases Christian:
"He really has no idea about my past. I told you, my family assumed I was gay. Celibate, but gay."
I giggle and begin to relax in his arms. "I thought you were celibate. How wrong I was." I wrap my arms around him, marveling at the ridiculousness of Christian's being gay.
Yeah, how fucking ridiculous! A gorgeous guy who is attractive to women being GAY.

I'm sorry, what was going on? I blacked out when all my blood rushed to my lady parts, and it was hard to get a breath what with my mouth automatically opening. And how did I get down here on my knees in the first place? What was my name again? Where am I?

Ana asks Christian why he has a place in Aspen, and he says it was because he was waiting for her and didn't know it yet. So... he was waiting for the woman of his dreams, someone he could whisk away to Aspen, where she's not allowed to do anything outside of the house because it might be too dangerous? Why not just stay at home and save the gas money?
"Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one."
For my first wish, kill them. Kill them both.

After some more talk about how Christian is such a catch but also a damaged little boy or whatever, there's a section break, and it's raining outside.
We are sitting around the dark wood table in the kitchen, having consumed an Italian feast of a mixed antipasto, prepared by Mrs. Bentley, and a bottle or two of Frascati. I'm replete and little buzzed from the alcohol.
Antipasto isn't a feast. It's a starter. Now, you may be thinking that two bottles of wine between six people isn't enough to get a routine alcoholic like Ana buzzed, but they're at a higher altitude now. See also, Jenny after ONE DRINK at the Harlequin sales conference in Colorado Springs.
"There goes our hike," Elliot mutters, sounding vaguely relieved. Kate scowls at him. Something is definitely up with them. They have been relaxed with all of us but not with each other.
You mean, not as relaxed as, say, a woman who feels "shy" around her own husband, Ana?

It takes about a page for them to decide that the guys are going to go fishing (I know I have some city slickers who read this blog, so let me assure you, fishing in the rain is not as stupid as it sounds), the girls are going to go shopping, and Elliot is going to go buy a watch battery.

Ana, Kate, and Mia go into a boutique where they get Ana to try on a really skimpy dress.
I glance down at The Dress in my hand. Dress is perhaps an overstatement. It's backless and very short, but Mia has declared it a winner, perfect for dancing the night away. Apparently, I need shoes, too, and a large chunky necklace, which we'll source next. Rolling my eyes, I reflect once more on how lucky I am to have Caroline Acton, my own personal shopper.
She's actually Christian's personal shopper, remember, and bought all of Ana's clothes based on Christian's tastes. But because Bella doesn't like shopping (and this scene is clearly the stand-in for the prom dress shopping scene in Twilight), Ana can't, either. While Mia and Kate try on clothes, Ana looks out the window and sees:
Through the boutique window I'm distracted by the sight of Elliot. He has appeared on the other side of the leafy main street, climbing out of a large Audi. He dives into a store as if to duck out of the rain. Looks like a jewelry store... maybe he's looking fo that watch battery. He emerges a few minutes later and not alone - with a woman.
Fuck! He's talking to Gia! What the hell is she doing here?
As I watch, they hug briefly and she holds her head back, laughing animatedly at something he says. He kisses her cheek and then runs to the waiting car. She turns and heads down the street, and I gape after her. What was that about?
Mia and Kate don't see this exchange, and when they come out, Ana doesn't tell them about it. Which is a wise move on her part, I think. They go to pay for their stuff, and Ana gets all weird about the sales assistant:
The young sales assistant - who has more gloss coating her lips than I have ever seen in one place - smiles at me. "That'll be eight hundred and fifty dollars."
What? For this scrap of material! I blink at her and meekly hand over my black Amex.
"Mrs. Grey," Ms. Lip Gloss purrs.
Why is Ana so snarky about this woman?! There is absolutely no reason this exchange had to be included in the book at all! We don't care about her purchasing the dress. There is more important (relatively speaking) shit going on right now! The only reason E.L. James included the sales girl with the lip gloss was to give her heroine yet another chance to openly disparage another female! That's all! It's there ONLY FOR THE MISOGYNY.

They go and buy thousand dollar shoes and an eighty dollar necklace, and Kate and Ana discuss how uncomfortable Ana is with spending money, because that hasn't been talked about enough in this chapter. Ana asks Kate how things are with Elliot, but Kate doesn't want to talk about it, and Ana starts mentally referring to him as Elliot Manwhore Grey, because there isn't enough misogyny in this book, either.

Back at the house, Kate makes strawberry daiquiris and they sit around in front of the fire. IN AUGUST. I checked in with my husband and read him this passage:
Once back at the house, Kate decides we deserve cocktails after our shopping extravaganza and whips up some strawberry daiquiris for us. We curl up on the sitting room couches in front of the blazing log fire.
Now, keep in mind that Mr. Jen is a bit... fiery, before you read his response: "Everything about that sounds awful. The imagery of strawberry daiquiris in front of a fire makes me uncomfortable. Imagine trying to suck down a goddamned sweet as shit daiquiri in front of a goddamned bonfire in your goddamned living room in the middle of the goddamned summer. Boy is that classy! And who goes to fucking Aspen in August? Does he have the shitty slot for the time share?"

I pretty much have nothing to add to that.
"Elliot has just been a little distant lately," Kate murmurs, gazing into the flames. Kate and I finally have a moment to ourselves as Mia puts away her purchases.
"Oh?"
"And I think I'm in trouble for getting you in trouble."
"You heard about that?"
"Yes. Christian called Elliot; Elliot called me."
EXCUSE ME? Let's examine the reality of what Ana calls "Cocktailgate." The actual reality, not the one the author wants us to accept as fact.

  1. Ana decides to go out and have drinks with Kate.
  2. Christian gets mad at Kate because Ana decided to go out.
  3. Christian calls Elliot and confronts him.
  4. Because Elliot is dating, and therefore owns, Kate.
  5. Elliot gets mad at Kate on his brother's behalf.
  6. Because Elliot is dating, and therefore owns, Kate.
Now that we've got that all taken care of, what does Ana feel is the real problem with Kate and Elliot's relationship?
I resolve not to mention Gia, though I might mention it to the manwhore himself. How dare he mess with my friend's affections like this?
No, Ana. Elliot isn't messing with Kate's affections, Christian is. He's trying to drive a wedge between Kate and his brother because he doesn't like Kate. And it would be a great one-two punch to Ana's friendship with Kate. "You can't see her anymore because of how things fell apart with my brother." Then Jose and Kate would both be out of the picture. He's systematically cutting her off from everyone she knows.

Ana goes out to the garage get more wood for the fire, where she runs into Elliot. He suggests she try out the dirt bikes, and she says no because, of course, Christian wouldn't like her to do something dangerous:
Memories of Ethan bravely endeavoring to teach me how to ride last summer flash through my mind. Unconsciously, I rub my arm where I badly bruised it in a fall.
Oh, you mean when you were Bella Swan and Jacob taught you how to ride dirt bikes? But notice how Ana is a far superior wife compared to Bella; even though Bella knew Edward wouldn't want her riding dirt bikes (because Edward Cullen was also a controlling ass in the beginning of that series), she did it anyway. How DARE she.
"Christian has, um... issues about my safety. I shouldn't."
"You always do what he says?" Elliot has a wicked sparkle in his baby-blue eyes, and I see a glimmer of the bad boy... the bad boy Kate has fallen in love with. The bad boy from Detroit.
That last part is so silly. Elliot was a child when they moved away from Detroit. It's not like they were hanging out in street gangs or something. The most "bad boy" thing Elliot probably did in Detroit is color on the walls.

Christian and Ethan get back from fishing:
"You're wet," I murmur.
"It was raining. [...]"

Christian wonders why everyone is in the garage, because at this point, Kate has come in, too.
"Ana came to fetch some wood." Elliot arches an eyebrow. Somehow he manages to make that sentence sound smutty. "I tried to tempt her to take a ride." He is a master of double entendre.
So, he's not only making innuendos about his brother's wife in front of his brother, but he's doing it in front of his own girlfriend, who is also Ana's best friend. Elliot is just as much a catch as his brother is, I guess.
"Listen, I"m all for standing around discussion what Ana did next, but shall we go back inside?" Kate snaps. She stoops down, snatches up two logs, and turns on her heel, stomping toward the door. Oh shit. Kate is mad - but I know it's not at me.
At least one character in this shit show can hang their anger on the right peg. JeSUS.

Just in case you were looking for resolution on the whole dirt bike thing:
You can ride a motorcycle?" he asks, his voice laced with disbelief. 
 "Not very well. Ethan taught me."
His eyes frost immediately. "you made the right decision," he says, his voice much cooler.
I look forward to book four of this series, in which Christian learns that Ana had a male math teacher in seventh grade, then has the the guy killed and Ana's memory of numbers erased so that she has never learned anything from any man other than Christian.
"[...] You're wet... Let me run you a bath."
That's not really going to take care of the "wet" problem now, is it?

Ana runs a bath, but she and Christian have sex while it's filling up. It's off-screen sex, and we come back from a section break to find:
"Shit, the water!" I struggle to sit up, all postorgasmic and dazed.
Christian doesn't release me.
"Christian, the bath!" I gaze down at him from my prone position across his chest.
He laughs. "Relax - it's a wet room."
Yeah, relax, Ana. Listen to Christian "I care sooooooo fucking much about Africa" Grey, running a ton of fresh water all over the place while all over the world children drink contaminated water and get horrible diseases.
We sit at opposite ends of the bath, which is very full - so full that whenever we move, water laps over the side and splashes to the floor.
But whatever.

I wouldn't be so annoyed by the water wasting thing unless he hadn't made it such a sanctimonious point about how much he cares about developing countries and their food and water and making things sustainable for the environment blah blah blah. Is it too much to ask for just one thing about this series to be consistent? If he had just said, "There's good money in pretending about this environmentalism bullshit, so that's why I do it," then I could understand the water wasting and the giant, petroleum guzzling yacht trips.

Ana tells Christian that she saw Gia in town, and Christian says he thinks she has a place in Aspen, and he's not worried that Elliot is cheating on Kate:
"Ana, they're just friends. I think Elliot is pretty stuck on Kate." He pauses, then adds more quietly, "In fact, I know he's pretty stuck on her." And he gives me his I-have-no-idea-why look.
"Kate is gorgeous." I bristle, championing my friend.
He snorts. "Still glad it was you who fell into my office."
Just in case you were worried that Ana saying something nice about Kate might make Christian fall head over heels in love with her, rest easy. The author reassures us once again that Edward Cullen is fully, truly in love with E.L. James and not some blonde hussy. Erm, I meant... oh, never mind.

It's time to go out and party. Let's see how Ana looks:
My hair is full and straight, my eyes ringed with kohl, my lips scarlet red. I look... hot. I'm all legs, especially in the high-heeled Manolos and my indecently short dress. I need Christian to approve, though I have a horrible feeling he won't like so much of my flesh exposed.
Because she's a fucking prisoner in her own marriage, she picks up her BlackBerry and emails the warden. The warden who, by the way, is in the same house, but god forbid a chapter go by without a page long email exchange between the two of them.
As I read his e-mail, the bedroom door opens, and Christian freezes on the threshold. His mouth pops open and his eyes widen.
Holy crap... this could go either way.
"Well," I whisper.
"Ana, you look... Wow."
"You like it?"
"Yes, I guess so."
Oh Chedward, but you do know how to turn a girl's head.

He stands behind her and makes her look in the mirror while he hikes her dress up and fingers her, talking all the while about how short her skirt is:
"This is mine," he murmurs in my ear. Closing his eyes, he moves his finger slowly in and out of me. "I don't want anyone else to see this."
This is another one of those disappointing lines that could have been hot, if we didn't know that by "this" Chedward doesn't mean her vagina in the context of their D/s relationship, but literally every single facet of her life in the context of their fucked up, controlling marriage.

But listen, everybody. Remember when we kept hearing from various anonymous commenters that in the third book, Christian actually gets better and is totally swoon worthy? This is the chapter where it happens:
"You approve?" I whisper.
"No, but I'm not going to stop you from wearing it. You look stunning, Anastasia."
Here, you might need this.

After a section break (and after I recovered from my shock at Christian not demanding Ana don a full body burlap suit complete with hood), everyone on the Aspen trip is waiting for dessert in the restaurant.
Christian seems at ease. He's been talking animatedly with Ethan. They obviously bonded over the fly-fishing. They're talking about psychology, mainly. Ironically, Christian sounds the more knowledgeable.
Of course he does. Ethan is only going for what, his masters? Of course Christian "know it all" Grey knows more about psychology than Ethan. Ana chalks this up to his numerous therapists. Is that how it works? You just have enough interactions with someone and you become an expert at their profession? Congratulate me, everyone, I have just become a medical doctor AND a bartender.

Ana thinks Kate and Elliot seem like they're not having a great time:
Have they had a fight? What's eating him? Is it that woman?
Wherein the blogger contemplates the appropriateness and maturity of a rimming joke.

HA! Rimming.

Ana is still real, real hung up on Gia:
I glance at the entrance, half expecting to see Gia calmly saunter her well-groomed ass across the restaurant to us.
God, Ana, why are you so interested in how Gia grooms her ass?

You know, it occurs to me that "well-groomed" is used as an insult quite a bit in these books. That's a really bizarre thing to look down on someone for, isn't it? "Oooh, I hate Marjorie, she's always so clean looking and nice smelling! The nerve of her, I hear she brushes her teeth twice a day and puts on clean socks. The cow."

Then Elliot proposes to Kate with the corniest, most fake-sounding proposal in the history of shitty writing:
"My beautiful Kate, I love you. Your grace, your beauty, and your fiery spirit have no equal, and you have captured my heart. Spend your life with me. Marry me."
And naturally, Ana's reaction is:
Holy shit!
Thus ends yet another chapter. But now I'm over halfway done! HUZZAH AND HURRAH ALL AROUND!

151 comments:

  1. I KNEW IT. I knew he was going to propose. THESE BOOKS ARE SO FREAKING PREDICTABLE OH MY GOD.

    Okay, I'm better. These books are probably going to drive me DRINK but I'm fine :P

    Also I don't know who that dude was but man that helped XD

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    1. The hot one? Matt Bomer, best known for his role in White Collar. Pretty good show, actually.

      Caitlyn (ladyphlogiston)

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  2. Eliot's love life sounds like far better erotica than Christian's

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    1. Could not possibly agree more.

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    2. Could please someone write that?

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    3. I was tempted to write fixfic casting Taylor as a put upon bi vet struggling to balance his family life and active sex life with his insane demanding job. Would now definitely add Elliot as one of his hook ups now. Theyd solve the whole Hyde thing while Christian was off fucking around

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  3. I don't think Christian's allowing Ana to wear what she want is born of him becoming a more reasonable person. I think he just didn't want to have to explain to his siblings and Kate why he had made Ana change.

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  4. Hahahaha "well groomed ass".

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  5. When I saw RHPS, "Oh, Asshole! Yes! Asshole!" and then Janet chimed in with "Oh Brad, this isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce."

    This uber wealthy "folk dance" of ostentatious spending.

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  6. I have to confess, that picture of Matthew Boomer made me drool over my keyboard a little.

    I'm sensing that Ana-is-homophobic-because-she's-secretly-gay theory is growing stronger by the page.

    I can't believe how weak and pathetic Ana is to have to ask Chedwards permission to wear whathever the hell she wants to wear, and also, I'm pretty sure Christian let her because he didin't want to have his abusive ways questioned by his family and "friends."

    And it was so obvious Elliot was going to propose to Kate I almost threw up in my mouth a little.

    God, these books. These fucking books.

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  7. http://www.appalachianfarmstead.com/appalachianfarmstead.com/images/Weeds%208-07%20crp.JPG

    Admiring Gia's well groomed ass

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    1. The best part of that photo is that the donkey fucking KNOWS it won a beauty contest. Look at its face.

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  8. From the whole "jewelry store" thing it was pretty damn obvious about Elliot's proposing. Yeesh, talk about hitting the reader over the head with stuff.

    Also, I would totally judge someone for being well-groomed. I mean really, who do they think they are, being all clean and stuff in public? Especially women! Real women wear their filth and baby-vomit with PRIDE damnit, to show how dedicated they are to their men!
    (In case it's necessary *holds up a sarcasm sign*)

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    1. http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpsc7bEtDx1r0jbbpo2_250.gif

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    2. I think the well-groomed thing is supposed to be because Ana is a 'natural' beauty, reflecting her status as pure and virtuous, as opposed to all these 'fake' hussies who are basically 'painted ladies' and who's grooming reflects their manipulative and untrustworthy natures. It's as medieval as everything else in this shitty book.

      I know Ana tarts herself up a little bit since she became Mrs. Christian Grey but this is a woman who at the beginning of the book couldn't tame her unruly hair (had clearly never heard of a straightener. Or a tong. Maybe not even a hairdryer.) She had never done any depilation, and even now she is supposedly more sophisticated her make-up routine is still pretty rudimentary. I am assuming she is so radiant she doesn't even need any kind of base.

      I am not suggesting women should do/wear any of these things, but it seems pretty obvious that Ana's lack of grooming knowledge or routine are not because she is unconcerned with her appearance or rejects such things on feminist grounds (ha!) but rather because she is such a natural beauty she doesn't need them and women who do are just whores/witches deceiving men by painting an inch thick.

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    3. Oh and talking of painting an inch thick, Jenny, thanks for the lipstick references in 'The Boss.' Am definitely getting Rose Boheme and Please Me come payday :-)

      Delete
    4. It's because Jessica would use make up and style her hair and liked clothes. And EL James wouldn't be as trusting as Bella with a bitch like that, especially with Edward around ...

      ... wrong book again, huh?

      Delete
  9. This book is the worst. And Elliot's proposal was the lamest. As well as being obvious.

    Yup, Ana is definitely in love with Kate and Gia. And poor Kate, she's probably still wondering where the hell her awesome plum dress is and why she's still friends with Ana when she's rich and STILL won't give her that damn dress back.

    Yeah, Christian grew. Into more of a dickhead. If that was possible. I really didn't think it was.

    I honestly hit my head repeatedly during this chapter, because of the book content, not the blog content. It'll be over soon Jen! Not soon enough, but soon! And by then you should be canonized, or the recipient of another award.

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    1. You know, I keep wondering the same thing about the plum dress. As has been repeatedly rubbed in, Chedward has a personal dresser who buys Ana clothes. Why doesn't she wear those? Why does she keep wearing the same damned one? I know that out of the myriad awful problems with these awful books, this is a strange thing to obsess over, but obsess over it I do. If I read "plum dress" one more time I'm setting something on fire.

      Delete
  10. From the first chapter there has been so much talk about who's gay that I think our dear, dear author might be hiding something Not being so snarky. I can't think of any other reason to talk ao much about who is gay and who isn't and to obsess over sexual women so much. It adds nothing to the story.

    After Chedward and AnaBella get married, Chedward gives AnaBella an Amex Black card, and no, money alone can't buy in. You've got to have a spending history. Am I talking about the Meyerverse or the Jamesiverse? Both. Both have the exact same card given to the woman after marriage.

    The reason Christian didn't make her change is because he knew Mia and Kate would have been with her when she bought the dress and would wonder why she wasn't wearing it. He was covering his own tail by allowing her to wear it.

    That is the corniest marriage proposal ever.

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  11. "That's all! It's there ONLY FOR THE MISOGYNY."

    I actually got the impression it was there as an excuse to show how obscenely expensive the dress was/how obscenely wealthy Chedward is, but the misogyny was a nice perk.

    I love how Kate being mad over something perfectly reasonable is presented as further evidence of what a bitch she is.

    The homophobia in these passages is disgusting.

    I can see the appeal of this book to readers with low self-esteem. ELJ keeps systematically attacking all the feminine qualities that our society supposedly upholds--blonde and sexually confident bombshells, basically--and plain mousy Ana is actually "beautiful all along" and every guy wants her. The Jack Hyde thing is especially creepy since I feel it's presented as yet another way of showing how desirable Ana is.

    All this is especially ironic given that these books are essentially consumerist porn. You got this ridiculously innocent and sexually inexperienced main character who never really has to work a day in her life, yet is rewarded with a prestigious job (that she doesn't need to support herself, just for funsies), an obscenely rich husband and lots of "kinky" sex that always results in multiple orgasms (I use quotes b/c I find the sex in this book actually quite tame). Both characters (and the readers, by extension) are absolved from guilt over their lifestyle either by possessing a tortured past (Christian) or by constant self-flagellation (Ana).

    The only self-flagellation I see, however, is having to read this drivel in the first place. Major props to you not only for doing so, but making it funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WORD. Thank you! And don't forget the whole, "Chedward encouraging you to gorge on pizza/eat while he fucks you form behind" stchick that someone else commented on.

      Delete
  12. SMeyer repeatedly attacked blondes (any blonde female was somehow bad, just like Kate and Elliot, the equivalents of Rosalie and Jasper-the-Confederate-General).

    This book, while the storyline is the most different, still has a stunning amount in common with Twilight. At das-sporking.livejournal.com, a couple people are recapping the Twilight books and are right before the infamous birth chapter, and they're keeping a running tally of things like blatant displays and mentioned of the Cullens' wealth, and it includes buying insanely expensive cars that aren't available in the US, Bella's new Amex Black card that she, like Ana, wouldn't qualify for on basis of wealth along, the blonde hatred, the racism, Bella being drop-dead gorgeous while insisting she's plain, etc..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The black Amex thing is actually more wrong in Twilight than in 50 Shades, too. You don't apply for a black Amex, it's invitation only. It makes sense that if Christian has one and is a good customer (I think you have to make upwards of $23k in purchases per month), then they might extend the offer to Ana as well. But in Twilight, it makes no sense; the Cullens are in stealth mode. How would Amex even know to contact them?

      Delete
    2. ...owner of the company is a vampire and is old friends with the Cullens? 'Cause they would have to have fake identities and stuff or actually owning houses and cars and stuff would probably not be easy, right?

      See, you can JUSTIFY it if this is a world where "because vampires" is an option, in my opinion. Or at least personally, I'm okay letting a few things slide. When it's supposed to be the real world, that kind of bothers me.

      *shrugs*

      Delete
    3. Exactly. They want to know they'll make enough in charges off of you to give you a card with perks that cost Amex an average of $10k a year or so per person. They're not going to give that to just every rich person who applies. I know one person who got one, and he intentionally spent a few years racking up charges hoping to get attention. Even among the wealthy this card is an impressive status symbol.

      Something not explained in Twilight is how Carlisle keeps anyone from noticing he's got an estimated $34bil in personal fortune (Forbes did an article about richest fictional characters and they did the math) without anyone noticing that some 300-year-old guy is on the account. I don't buy it that Alice just buys forged documents. There are government databases that store info, and none of the Cullen clan is shown as particularly technological. Wy not have them buy citizenship from unnamed corrupt country so they can at least get through customs without someone noticing the barcodes on the forged passports don't pull up anything? They I could believe they might (aside from Bella) have Amex Black cards because they'd actually be able to use credit cards.

      Stealth mode my butt. With all the flashy cars they have and all the shopping Alice does, there's no way no one's noticed that there are some uber rich people living in a poor town. Sadly Christian manages to blend in more, and he's a failure.

      Delete
    4. Vampires in government.

      I still think if one of your options is "because vampires" you maybe get a bit of leeway XD

      Delete
    5. I thought Elliot was supposed to be Emmett? It make sense, with him being with "Rosalie" (since Mia is clearly Alice), and he has the same teasing "sense of humour" (albeit even more poorly executed).

      Is Mia seeing someone? I honestly can't remember at this point, but if she is, that's who Jasper would be, no?

      Delete
  13. I read that one sentence as "They obviously boned over the fly-fishing." and for a minute there, I thought the plot was going to get interesting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG, 50 Shades of Brokeback.

      Delete
    2. Don't ruin brokeback mountain for me, please.

      Delete
  14. Is it a problem that my first thought on seeing the Aladdin pic was that Genie can't kill people? It's one of his three limits (the other two are falling in love and resurrection.) Which is a shame, because a fireballing our intrepid heroine sounds pretty nice right now.

    I'd like ana a lot more if she used her guilt over being wealthy to fuel generosity, but she doesn't. She just sits around whining about how awful it is to like having money. Everyone likes having money, sweetheart, that's why it's money.

    (Have i said that before? I've certainly thought it before.)

    Also I think maybe you meant misandry (or possibly homophobia or slut-shaming) instead of misogyny after the manwhore comment.

    Why on earth would you date someone without asking about their past relationships? But then this is ana, who thinks that two months of sex is a perfectly good preparation for marriage. Dingbat.

    Caitlyn (ladyphlogiston)

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    1. Nah, I meant misogyny. Yeah, she was using it against a man, but the implication is that he's doing something SO BAD he's the male version of something female. Which is funny, because rather than just calling him a whore, she's making sure he gets to retain the dignity of his maleness while calling him something female.

      Delete
    2. Actually that wasn't Genie's third rule. They were: Can't make people fall in love, Can't bring people back from the dead, and Can't give you more wishes. So, technically, we could get him to kill them all if we had the lamp!

      Delete
    3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFlr-E1llHM

      Hem, hem, katipettit1... ;)

      Delete
    4. I thought the same thing about Genie. Then I thought I wish that I would make is that they EACH have to donate TWICE whatever I do. Then I'd go donate a kidney. They'd each donate two, five people would be saved, and we wouldn't have to deal with ChristiAna anymore!

      Delete
    5. In Ana's defence, I hate money. I could do so many awesome things like quit my job and write all day and spend every spare second with my kid if I didn't have to generate money for bills.

      Although, if I had it in abundance, it would be like it didn't exist because I could do all those things too. Either would be good.

      Delete
    6. Haha, Alys! That is some efficient wishing! I like it!
      xxx
      Deidre

      Delete
    7. The Genies 3 wishes are: He can't make anyone fall in love, Can't kill anyone and can't bring anyone back from the dead. (It's not a pretty picture and he doesn't like doing it remember? :)

      How about we do what he did with Jafar and make them both into Genies and put them in their itty bitty living space and send them off to God knows where?

      Delete
    8. The bottom line is that just one of us needs to find that lamp. If Ana won't make a difference in the world with her oodles of money and Christian is faking his Africa-awareness shit, it's up to us to take them and EL James out via Genie. And then of course we'll free Genie. Because we're not monsters.

      Delete
    9. The more wishes thing is more of a law zero. you get three that's it.

      Though Al did rules lawyer him out of one extra one

      Delete
    10. @Jenny - fair enough

      I think I would wish that their money go towards charity (plus reparations for Taylot and Mrs. Jones and anyone else who suffered as their employee) and that no one take them seriously anymore. Deprived of the ability to bully and control others, I don't really care what they do to each other.

      Delete
  15. Yeah, I had a rant saved up about the homophobia and misogyny, but the Matt Bomer pic vanquished my train of thought.

    I just want to stress how SHITTY and horrible EL James is for engaging in homophobia/biphobia with Elliot. It's like EL James genuinely, fervently believes it's still the eighteenth/nineteenth century and a man sleeping with other men is this SHOCKING thing that somehow diminishes the man in question. It also neatly explains the misogyny, racism and classism. Of course Ana doesn't deserve the wealth: she's not noble born!

    I swear, everything in this book makes perfect sense if you wonder "What Would The Homophobic, Classist, Racist Patriarchy Do?"

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    Replies
    1. I wonder if what is going on with Elliot is more about slut-shaming and less about biphobia. From the excerpts quoted here, I could certainly read this as Chedward saying "he's fucked most of Seattle" as simply meaning "he has been very promiscuous" and the follow-up "mainly women" joke be intended as actually meaning "well, of course only women, silly ('cause it's not like he could actually be bi)". After all, the latter comment is explicitly identified as a joke. If it was actually a straightforward statement about who Elliot has had sex with, it wouldn't be much of a joke.

      (I have actually encountered "well, mainly women" followups as a joke meaning "of course only women, duh, I'm straight" in real life before.)

      Now, a comment implying "of course Elliot is straight, him being bi is unthinkable, so unthinkable in fact that I'll use it as fodder for a joke" is of course still plenty homophobic/biphobic/heterosexist. But all the pearl-clutching that follows might simply be outrage over his man-whoring ways, rather than about his bisexuality.

      Of course, I haven't read the book. Maybe those who have can chime in - does the book actually give any further evidence that Elliot is, in fact, bi?

      Honestly, one reason I suspect that this may all just be about Elliot's (heterosexual) promiscuity is that Elliot being bi strikes me as almost too enlightened/daring for this book. A bi man who is a (sort of) major character and who gets to happily settle down with a love interest? A bi man written as being capable of/interested in a long-term (presumably) monogamous relationship? That sounds almost too good to be true for FSOG. Whereas a straight man who has "sowed his wild oats" and has now been tamed into settling down by meeting the right woman who has captured his heart? Yeah, there's a traditional-enough narrative for ya. Especially combined with Ana having been a virgin before meeting her twu abusive wuv, we'd get the kind of traditional male/female double standard about past promiscuity that fits right into the reactionary framework of this book.

      ...or I could be totally wrong here, and the books make it clear that Elliot is bi.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I see what you mean, I definitely agree that the whole "bisexual gets a happy ending" thing is too enlightened and positive for this book, but I find it absolutely ridiculous that the pearl-clutching is about his (entirely straight, apparently) promiscuity. When Chedward did it far, far worse.

      And besides, that whole "young, blond, beautif Elliot???" thing makes less sense as a condemnation of sluttiness (since those traits seem to indicate that Elliot would be getting laid more easily, not that he'd have a harder time), but they make a lot more sense if considered along the same "good-looking men can't be into other men!" nonsense we saw in this very chapter (and others before).

      But you're right that it would be nice to get confirmation of his sexuality from someone who's read the books.

      Delete
    3. I did read the books and I got the same impression as Neurite, that "mostly women" was just a joke and the meaning is "duh, of course only women, do you think the magnificent Grey's could raise a GAY SON?! Outrageous!" After that revelation Ana starts to think of Elliott as a "manwhore" but if she thought he was also BISEXUAL you know her subconscious/inner goddness would have had some extra snark in there for the gay stuff. Of course it's an obnoxious double standard that she judge Elliott for promiscuity when Christian has a worse track record. (At least none of Elliott's exes came after Kate with a gun!) But, if there is one thing that is consistent in these books it's that Ana is willfully ignorant of all of Christian's flaws.

      Delete
    4. Ah, I see, you make pretty good points.

      The double standard makes me pretty mad, though. Ana is like this walking ball of prejudice and tightly-restrained hatred of everything alive.

      Delete
  16. So, how much longer until this dumb broad figures out that she's pregnant?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not until the fetal alcohol syndrome has set in, I'm sure.

      Delete
    2. I just spit coffee everywhere.

      Delete
    3. My god. Anas BAL must be so high she has to perpetually avoid open flames

      Delete
  17. I don't get why Ana keeps referring to Elliot as a manwhore who had consensual relationships in his past long before he met Kate no matter how many he actually had, yet it's perfectly fine and dandy for Christian to have emotionally and physically abuse countless other women in his past relationships under the guise of being *kinky,* as well as admitting to visiting prostitutes and being with the woman who molested and preyed up him for years. I just don't understand James' logic, everybody has a goddamn past no matter how many people you've dated, it's called human nature! >.<

    "He really has no idea about my past. I told you, my family assumed I was gay. Celibate, but gay."

    Does E.L. James think gay people never leave the house or something? Gay people date other gay people, what's so hard to understand? Hell, celibate people date as well. It doesn't mean you can't ever see anybody, it just means you don't participate in sexual intercourse of any kind with people. Why do you think some couples vow to remain celibate till marriage? I'm starting to wonder if James is the one who never gets out…

    "Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one."

    I'd like a refund, thanks.

    Oh man, as an Italian, I laugh in James' face. Honestly, everybody knows antipasti is just a platter of appetisers! Has this chick ever read a menu in her life?!

    Christian would shit himself if he found out I grew up on a farm and rode dirt bikes there when I was 12. Seriously, if I could afford one, I'd own a dirt bike tomorrow if I could. Honestly, this is the most boring trip to Aspen ever and I live in Australia! Can Ana go out and do anything or is all that fresh air and exercise and fin stuff like dirt biking and hiking too much for her poor little female brain?

    I'm also really sick of the capitalist porn nouveau-riche fantasy overshadowing these books and how flippant with money Christian Grey is, the same Christian Grey who's meant to care about feeding the poor of the Third World, yet you have him wasting fucking water and shrugging off that he'll just buy another holiday house if Ana doesn't like it like it's nothing and having his goddamn personal shopper buy clothes for her that he doesn't even want her to wear in the first place.

    Dick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "He really has no idea about my past. I told you, my family assumed I was gay. Celibate, but gay."

      I think that's more on the lines of if you are not surrounded by women 24/7 and/or do not have the rep of a man whore you must be in the closet. Celibate- but in the closet. Because you can't be male (or female) hetro and not sexually active unless you are a virgin. And even then- you are a gay virgin. Because to be hetro you have to be having sex. Unlike gay people who don't have sex. Because they are gay.

      Delete
    2. Which is offensive in and of itself, since, by E.L. James' logic, all virgins must be prudish or something wrong with them, another stereotype I can't stand because people can be virgins and sexually knowledgeable. Shocking, I know :D

      Delete
    3. Hypocrisy, thy name is Erika Leonard, aka EL James.

      Delete
    4. well... Ana the virgin thinks she can give Kate the slut 'safe sex' lectures in the first book. although this is then contradicted by the fact that Ana turns out to be an idiot.

      Delete
    5. Another thing I don't get: Ana poo-poos all over Kate and her consensual relationship with Elliot for daring to enjoy their sex life together, yet Ana is allowed to get involved with Christian and their twisted pseudo-BDSM together because they're *in love* and it's different when you're *in love*

      The list of contradictions in these books are countless. I wish Ana would learn other people's relationship aren't her business for her to judge...

      Delete
    6. "Does E.L. James think gay people never leave the house or something? Gay people date other gay people, what's so hard to understand?"

      Sadly, that's realistic logic! Not SOUND logic, but something you would see in the real world.

      I, myself, have been asked counteless times by extended family if the fact that I've never brought a guy home means I'm a lesbian. (The looks of realization on their face when I responded with "Well have I ever brought a girl home?" was well worth the conversation)

      Delete
    7. I know there are many more important things to think about here, but the antipasti matter is the one thing I just can't get over yet.

      Does anybody else think it's yet again a deliberate sign for Ana's messed up reception of food/weight? Considering how her normal food intake is like 2 yoghurts and a cabbage leaf per week, some tiny appetizers actually ARE a feast to her!

      Delete
  18. How can ELJ sleep at night with the guilt of all her money wearing her down? How can she, in good conscious, keep any of her misbegotten earnings? She is a horrible writer, who created horrible characters who are horrible to each other. The shame of her wealth should crush her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's why she so selflessly did all that stuff for charity back when she was SQID, right? WOMP WOMP

      Delete
  19. When the hell is Christian going to beat the shit out of Anna for being pregnant? Doesn't she miscarry that one and get another one soon after? Isn't Hyde suppose to kidnap her at some point during her pregnancy?

    Holy fuck these books are pointlessly long.

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    Replies
    1. Hyde kidnaps Alice, I mean, Mia, and demands something like half a mil in cash, and Ana has no prob going to the bank and walking out with that much cash, even though anti-terrorism laws actually require a wait period to take out that much cold hard cash.

      Delete
    2. Half a mil?

      That better damn well be a typo and you mean he wants coownership in a lumber or flour buisness.

      Seriously, fucking Austin Powers right there

      Delete
  20. FSOG wiki hate-editor here. I have to vent to you guys about the bullshit I am seeing on the FSOG wiki, because a lot of it came up in this recap and it ties in nicely.

    1. Commenters on the Fifty Shades wiki hate Kate because "she is pretty mean and gets into stuff that is none of her business", and also because... drumroll!...

    "the reason you are saying you love her is BECAUSE you have just started on this series. People like me who have read all the books and fallen in love with the main protaginists know how ANNOYING+INFURIATING she becomes. she needs to mind her own business sometimes. Towards the end the anger dissipates but don't start speaking up for her, when at the moment, because you haven't finished the books - you don't know her."

    GAHHHHHH@#$I#$*&#$*&#&*DF (fortunately that wasn't in response to me, because I would've shamed them to hell and back and blown my cover)

    2. Matt Bomer is no. 1 in the FSOG wiki's movie casting polls for Chedward. BUT BUT BUT the comment sections are FILLED with assholes who keep insisting that Matt Bomer shouldn't play Chedward because he's gay, and gay actors can't convincingly portray straight people chemistry. Or, that women in the audience would know that Matt Bomer is gay, and that knowledge would totally ruin the whole experience and make it not a turn on.

    3. The page for Ros Bailey (correctly) identified her as a lesbian, and someone lost their shit about it in the comments:

    "WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT SHE A LESBIAN JUST WHERE DOSE THAT SAY THAT SHE LIKE WOMEN AND AND LESBIAN JUST TELL ME WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT SHE IS ONE JUST WHERE"

    When this person was confronted with direct quotes confirming Ros being gay, they said:

    "well may be she her sister/or family member or she just a really good friend that she just took a long with too the party mayed she is not a lesbian after all"

    Sometimes being on the Fifty Shades wiki is like a Pain Series poem by King Missile, and all I can think is JESUS PISS-CHRIST, FUCK, OW.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am not surprised that the works of a homophobic person gather and validate other homophobic people.

      Also, don't get me started on Matt Bomer. That man is an excellent human being, and part of me wants him to win the role and be excellent at it to shut up the homophobes and net him tons of fame and money. And the rest of me wants him as untouched by this horrible drivel as possible.

      On the other hand, suddenly I'm glad EL James went for LGBT+ erasure instead of representation. If the yaoi genre has taught me anything, is that heteronormativity, homophobia and misogyny are multiplied tenfold when an ignorant hack writes gay romance/erotica.

      Delete
    2. Niel Patrick Harris came out a year or two before he did Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog, and he convincingly portrayed a straight man. He also plays a straight man in How I Met Your Mother. It's so easy to forget he's gay because he convincingly plays his roles.

      Delete
    3. Jesus. I can't believe people feel Kate is a horrible person. She is the only person in the entire series I fucking like.

      Delete
    4. It's not so unbelievable to me. There are people who like Ana and think Christian is God's gift (more like Satan's curse), so of course there are people who hate Kate. The narrative tells them to, so why would they think any deeper than that?

      Delete
    5. Hum, you know, as a reformed Twilight fan, I can tell you they sound a lot like the Twi-hards I had to deal with during those obscure years of my life.

      I remember in the foruth book, when Carlisle calls all the vampires, there were two female vampires from Brazil whose names I don't remember because they were minor characters who never got a back story, and they were holding hands and acting kinda couple-y.

      And at the forum I was at the time, they were people having the same argument about how they were NOT lesbians.

      I wonder why is that...? Oh, wait..!

      Delete
    6. 2. Matt Bomer is no. 1 in the FSOG wiki's movie casting polls for Chedward. BUT BUT BUT the comment sections are FILLED with assholes who keep insisting that Matt Bomer shouldn't play Chedward because he's gay, and gay actors can't convincingly portray straight people chemistry. Or, that women in the audience would know that Matt Bomer is gay, and that knowledge would totally ruin the whole experience and make it not a turn on.

      Um... these people do know that when you watch a film, the actors are, y'know, acting, like actually playing a part totally removed from themselves? None of it's actually real... Seriously, then how do these people watch any film in general?

      Delete
    7. Jo, I always though Senna and Zafrina were sisters. Althouh I don't remember hand holding, either.

      Delete
    8. Oh Jenny, have you abandoned Taylor?!

      Delete
  21. here....http://weheartit.com/entry/57970867

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  22. Oh no, that dress cost $850? Guess how you can avoid having to "blink and meekly hand over my [husband]'s black Amex"? Check the fucking price tag before you decide to buy a dress. That's what normal people when they go shopping so they don't get to the register and get sticker shock - you know, especially when they're so wound up about money issues. Another option: go to another store. I've been to Aspen. There ARE stores that sell dresses that cost less than $850.

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    Replies
    1. This. She acts like she can't even DARE to go to one store which Christian wouldn't approve.

      I mean, I'm a bargain hound. I sometimes find amazingly well-designed clothes which were thrown to the discount rack because they were too small/too large for the general public demographic. Even Corte Ingles (which is the most expensive, rip-off store I know that offers dresses that sell as MUCH as Ana is being charged for) are forced to offer discount racks (amazingly, I find more clothes accidentally torn and streaked with make up in designer stores than in any other 'pleb' store). Most of these clothes are still slightly expensive, but if Chedward wanted something unique, Ana could easily find something nice and give it to somebody to wash/fix it.

      Delete
  23. i find it hilarious, in a vaguely disappointing sort of way, that you rightfully disparage misogyny and homophobia in all walks of your life, but still find the time to keep ableist/saneist language like "crazy" in your vocabulary, particularly after the hugh howey incident. are some -isms more equal than others?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure if you're asking because you want an honest answer, or if that was a "gotcha, you hypocrite!" rhetorical question. With the sudden influx of the latter recently, I just can't tell anymore. What I'm going to do is just answer the question, and if you weren't looking for an answer, we still come up with a balanced checkbook. :D

      No, it's not a conscious statement on my part to ignore or malign people who suffer from mental illness or to elevate one -ism over another. I just don't think about it. Now, I am pretty open about my own mental illness, but the only time I notice the word crazy or insane in a pejorative context (that is, being used to mean something other than "ill-advised" or "foolish" or "exercising poor judgement" or on the more positive side, "enthusiastic") is if I'm seeing someone actually called crazy as a way to dismiss, silence, or invalidate them. LIke, if someone were to say, "Don't listen to [random commenter], she's just a crazy bitch," then the word strikes me as ableist in context, and I would disapprove it. I have given this thought in the past, but I just cannot make myself feel the visceral reaction I'm supposed to have to that word when it's used in a colloquial context meaning other than literally, clinically mentally ill, so I use it without thinking about it.

      Delete
    2. Jen, I appreciate that you took the time to answer this poorly written comment, and that you did so in a thoughtful, respectful, and logical way.

      Anyone who has read your blog for a while knows you don't tolerate people disparaging those with mental illnesses, but I realize you gain new followers on a regular basis who might not know about your struggles and values.

      Delete
    3. i did indeed want an honest answer. i didnt mean to deliberately sound disparaging, and i believe i understand where youre coming from. i simply dont agree with that perspective.

      paula, i have depression and autism, so i do know to some extent her struggles. this is why i brought it up. and comments (mine or anyones) being poor in grammar doesnt necessarily make them invalid.

      Delete
    4. Oh, then I'm glad I guessed the right way, Anonymous! I've had a lot of rhetorical questions thrown at me over the Hugh Howey thing, but I suspected this might be a serious inquiry. Glad to see I was right, even if we don't agree on the principle. :D

      Delete
    5. The other thing that has struck me about this debate is that illness is a negative thing, unlike gender or orientation. All things being equal, I would rather not have grown up with selective mutism, my sister would rather not be dyslexic, and I imagine you would rather not be depressed. There's a tricky line here, since these things have shaped who we are (certainly I would be a much worse writer if I was capable of communicating normally) but that doesn't make them good things.

      Just a thought.

      Delete
  24. How, HOW are there people defending Ana and hating on Kate?! Kate's one of the few sensible characters in this whole shitty display!

    I 100% agree with everyone about the dress, too. Christian didn't "allow" Ana to wear it (in spite of his unease about it) because he's a NICE person who has grown as a character. He "allowed" her to wear it because if he had made her change, Kate and Mia would - quite rightfully - have asked why Ana wasn't wearing the outfit she'd just spent a load of money on and "Christian didn't like it" is a big red flag of an answer to give.

    What irritates the shit out of me (amongst many things about this horrible, horrible series) is that if it was written as a deliberate account of an abusive relationship, this chapter could've been the point at which Kate discusses her relationship worries with Elliott, before bringing it round to Ana's marriage and trying to talk to her about it. Because let's be honest; if you have a friend whose husband doesn't let her see you for ages and then goes crazy when she goes for drinks with you (to the point where he orders your boyfriend to berate you for it), you'd be thinking: "Asshole." I would be. And a good friend would want to talk that through and make sure that nothing bad was going on.

    But nope, this book isn't about an abusive relationship (according to EL "my wealth! I feel such guilt about my wealth!! NOT!" James). So instead, we just get the occasional snarky comment about how Christian doesn't like Kate and Kate's concerns are seen as her sulking and being nosy, because this book is written in a way that makes the abuser the hero. And that's why I will loathe it as long as I have breath in my weary body.

    As an aside, EL unblocked me on Twitter recently. A 50 Shades fan then started trying to rile me, saying what happens in the book isn't abuse, because Christian never beats Ana for not having dinner ready on time (because that's like, the ONLY form of abuse, guys). After a while, she tagged EL in the tweets, asking if EL was getting as pissed off with idiots suggesting there's abuse in the books as SHE was. I replied: "I think you'll find her usual response to that is "don't feed the trolls." Which is a lovely way to speak about abuse survivors, triggered by her books..." Guess who's blocked again?! So worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Somehow I've evaded blocking. I don't pretent to be a fan, have been in some heated debates she's been tagged in, yet she noticed when I updated my user pic and replied to about half my posts to her. Granted, I'm not trying to anger her, more like trying to understand either how she can be so blond about the abuse in these books or if there's something more going on that isn't openly publicly shared, and I'm thinking the latter.

      By the way, your re-banning comment is excellent. That is indeed her usual response.

      Delete
    2. I've been tempted to talk to her, but I'm not sure I'll be able to do it without exploding and calling her a fraud and a plagiarist who completely failed to understand the essence of fan-fiction and her books are therefore a disgrace to all of the fandoms everywhere.

      But yeah, maybe you can ask her what part of Ana not being able to go have drinks with a friend without Christian throwing a tantrum about it is not abusive? I'd really, not sarcastically, like to know her answer.

      (But the way, I laughed at what I am assuming is a typo. EL James is "blond" about the abuse in Fifty Shades xD)

      Delete
  25. Did Kate know Elliot was going to propose? Because if not, it's kind of an arsehole move to do it in public where their friends and family are watching so she's gonna be cornered into saying yes. I hope she tells him to fuck off and cites Cocktailgate as a reason why.
    I wish Dame Sally had written this book too. There would be a lot more entertaining sex and a lot less words.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I read a romance once where the MC was proposed to in front of an entire basketball game at the beginning of the book. Like in front of the entire audience on the jumbotron.

      She said no, dumped the guy and then hooked up with someone else XD

      Delete
    2. I thought the same. That's a terrible proposal. And sadly it looks a lot like he's trying to keep up with Christian.

      Delete
    3. THANK YOU!

      I was really conscious of this, as a good friend of mine just got engaged after being with a guy for a fairly short (1 year) amount of time, and having some issues earlier that year.

      Now, I'm super happy for her. But for some reason (based on FB comments) I suspected that he proposed in public, where friends were present. I was really concerned about it for exactly the reason you stated here.

      (In the end, he didn't - he took her out for dinner, but waited until they were in the car to propose. Concerns set to rest, and back to being happy for her :P)

      Delete
  26. In the scene where Kate is quiet and brooding and the only possible reasons Ana can conceive of are Jack Hyde or Gia the Man-Stealing Hussy - another possible actual reason for Kate's gloominess (along with Chedward having been rude to her, as you pointed out) is that she has just witnessed this supremely creepy interaction:

    - Ana "glancing up" at Chedward and gingerly expressing the hope that "my husband will teach me how to ski"

    - Chedward immediately shutting that down and basically forbidding her from learning to ski because it's "too dangerous"

    - Ana hastily changing the subject.

    If I saw that kind of red flag going up right in front of me in my best friend's marriage, I'd be quiet and brooding too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great point. I'd be scared to hell for not knowing how to react. Also, Chedward SUCKS. What's with Ana not being allowed to do fun things he totally gets to do?! It's the freakiest thing.

      Delete
  27. I don't think Christian was saying Elliot is bisexual. I think that was the joke part.

    Anyway, Ana and Christian fucked on his pool table in his private game room in his private home. When I was younger than Ana, I fucked on a pool table after hours in the bar where I worked with my boss' cousin. But I'm disgusted by these books, so I must be sexually repressed, right???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To quote St Bender "too late this is more fun"

      Time to write fanfic where Elliot is Cap Jack's sexy companion through time and space

      Delete
  28. Is it too much to hope that Kate says "Fuck no, we've known each other for a microsecond, and I'm not going to follow my idiot best friend into a marriage competition just because you sprung for some sentimentality and a ring. Ask me again in a year or two, when we are better acquainted."?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry, hate to bust your bubble, but Kate accepts! Be prepared for Chedward to commit violence yet again.

      Hint: Too bad there were no cops around and the person (not Ana) he didn't do it too could GET HIM FOR ASSAULT!!!

      It pisses me to no end that Ana takes his slapping her butt, verbally humiliating her, as well as her intelligence, (although yes she is not the brightest bulb on the planet) and does not either a. call the Police
      b. go to a battered women's shelter

      but instead PUTS UP WITH TIT!!!

      Truly EL is an asshole!!!

      Delete
    2. Yes! Thank you! I was also thinking 'what the hell?! Kate and Elliot haven't been seeing each other for more than 6 months, right?'
      What is up with all these weirdos marrying so fast??
      And now knowing she accepts, too, I'm kind of losing faith in Kate, because she agrees to marry a dude who berates her for something really ridiculous, because his brother wants him to :-(
      Deidre

      Delete
  29. so did they ever resolve the coffee-related cliffhanger from the last chapter or

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No. I read this piece of crap too and Ch. 12 does begin with "We land...."

      Your dreams of someone (Jack or Natalia) poisoning Chedward are unfortunately dashed!

      Delete
  30. Holy shit! Imagine the dramatic close-up at Ana's face at that point. Like those old soap operas:-DDD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like The Californians? "Errrrrr whatrrrr yeeeeooouuuu doing herrrrrrre?"

      Delete
  31. I don't even want to talk about how stupid these books are anymore but I would like to say that your hair looks bitchin' good in that rimming-contemplation photo, Jen!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, I am so fed up with my hair right now, but I'm getting a ton of compliments on it, so thank you, I will take it!

      Delete
    2. I hear that... growing out a short cut is an extremely frustrating experience, I've been there too, but you're working it!

      Delete
  32. Anyone from Aspen want to confirm or deny the presence of snow in August?

    I'm not from Aspen, but I did live in Cheyenne for a long time when I was a kid. We had snow from September to May pretty much every year. We used to joke that Wyoming only had two seasons: winter and the Frontier Days rodeo. Spring and fall happened pretty much overnight. I'm just assuming that northern Colorado is a bit like Wyoming. Mostly, growing up in Cheyenne taught me that people in Virginia have no idea how to handle snowfall. We went to school in blizzards in Cheyenne, and they cancel school in Virginia on the threat of snow.

    Yeah, how fucking ridiculous! A gorgeous guy who is attractive to women being GAY.

    Unf, Matt Bomer. And Zachary Quinto. Tall guys with dark hair really do it for me. Then again, so do tall women with dark hair. So, yeah, this little bisexual bashing in this chapter really pissed me off.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Aw, I forgot about Zachary Quinto. Now I'm sad.

      (Not because there's anything wrong with it, BTW. But because even on the ridiculously small case that I met him, there would be no chance. Boo.)

      (Yes, I realize that there was never any chance. Let me live in my fantasy world.)

      Delete
  33. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  34. they really HAVE to get Matt Bomer for the FS movie...at least that way it'll be bearable. You just press mute and watch, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm from Denver and spent almost every weekend up in some part of the mountains or other.

    In August in aspen the mountains wouldn't really be capped with snow (unless we're talking about late August, but who can remember with this train wreck of a book). There might be some patches of snow on the northern slopes but that's probably it.

    Thank you for taking the time to point out how awful this book is.

    Also, I read an article that Christian is now one of the most popular names for boys because of these books. Make of that what you will

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay, that's what I was thinking. I was in Colorado Springs in September once and there wasn't snow. And it was like, late September, too.

      Delete
    2. Natural disasters can spike baby names too. According to the baby name wizard (who does statistical analysis of this sort of thing) it's the name that matters, not the source. The source just gives it exposure.

      Ummmm.... http://www.babynamewizard.com/voyager#prefix=christian&ms=false&exact=false

      And also the article is wrong. Christian rose during the 80s and is currently on its way down. Its peak was in 2004, seven years before 50 shades was published.

      Delete
    3. I live in Alberta, and last summer Will and Kate visited for the Calgary stampede. This January, both Will and Kate were on the popular Alberta baby names list.

      And then there was the lucky baby boy who gets to go through life named "Princewill". Yes, spelled just like that.

      Delete
    4. I was looking through applications at work this week. And came across a Desiree Storm. Remember the first Gulf War? Those kids are all just graduating from college now.

      Delete
  36. I don't think EL James is as intelligent as everybody in the comment section who have said that Christian let Ana wear the dress because Mia and Kate would notice she wasn't wearing it. I think it was an attempt for el to say 'see look how much he's grown' but it is completely undermined by his behavior towards Ana through the whole damn chapter (and I bet in the next chapter).
    I also hate how Ana always has her cake and eats it. Like she would never have chosen such a short dress if Mia 'hadn't declared it a winner' or she hates spending so much money but does it anyway. It doesn't make you more likeable Ana, just more pathetic and spineless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe EL James is in an abusive relationship that she thinks is good. So when she writes these things that reek of abuse to most people she is thinking that she is writing something romantic and good. That's all I can think.

      Delete
  37. Yes Ana, it’s so shocking that Eliot has had sex with men when your husband has a sexual past that consisted of hiring prostitutes, making women sign contracts that allowed him to control every aspect of their lives and selecting brunette partners because ‘he likes to whip little brown-haired girls who look like the crack whore- his mother’.
    Also there is like zero reason for Christian to be so mean about Kate, except that 1) Edward dislikes Rosalie 2) Kate is a gorgeous blonde and Christian disliking her removes her as a threat meaning Kate can be in a scene without Ana having to bother finding some derogatory nickname for her based on what lipstick she is wearing and 3) Christian is an abusive asshat who wants to isolate Ana from her friends so that he can further control her.

    ReplyDelete
  38. This is one of the only blogs where I enjoy reading the comments as much as I enjoy reading the content of the blog itself. You have clever readers, Jen. This says something about you as both a writer and a person. And what it says is good, so no worries!

    I didn't get from that exchange between Christian and Ana that Elliott was bisexual. I read it more as a really bad joke from Chedward. I'm fairly sure that's how he intended it. Rather, that's how EL stupid James intended it. I don't think she would have even thought to put bisexuality in that subtly. I think the word bisexuality - or bisexual - would have to be said if we were outing a character as bisexual. Let's face it: Erika hasn't shown us a great amount of talent when it comes to subtlety in her writing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, I never feel like I have to go, "DON'T READ THE COMMENTS!" when it comes to this blog. :D

      Delete
  39. So, clearly Erica is not a musical theatre fan. She has never known the pain of knowing that you and Jonathon Groff will never make sweet, sweet love, all because of your cursed lady parts.


    Can somebody PLEASE explain this concept of "oh, my boyfriend is acting really weird...and then he proposes" to me? Having not actually proposed before, I would assume that a more appropriate plan of action is to act like nothing is up, so, I don't know, your girlfriend doesn't think you're a cheaty cheater?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, the only point of reference I have is my sister, who said about my brother-in-law 'I knew something was up because he was being nice to me' (as aposed to his usual egocentric self) but they were in Niagra Falls so ... Yeah, maybe she thought it was being there, lol.

      Delete
    2. I got the ring for my partner months prior to wait for right occasion. We where stuck in due to hurricane and I hid the box and asked her if she wouldn't mind seeing what trash the dog had been playing with.

      Delete
    3. I knew it was coming, but my boyfriend was super tense and distracted the morning he proposed. He knew I'd say yes, too - we'd all but set a date for the wedding. I didn't notice him being weird in the days before, but I was out of town so I'm not sure I would have.

      Delete
    4. I knew a proposal was coming because he was tenser than he usually is, even though we'd talked and stuff about marriage and I'd even shown him the types of rings I like. That being said he certainly didn't morph into an enormous asshole. Maybe because Ana and Christian cannot ever just silently enjoy eachother's company and only aren't fucking or talking about inane shit when they're having a fight, they automatically assume other people are fighting when they're not!

      Delete
    5. hmmm... I get being nervous, but suddenly turning into a prick like this... Really?

      Delete
    6. Did he turn into a prick, though? Not from what I've seen. I've seen him be a little bit off, make jokes that were ill-advised (but lets face it, everyone has idiot moments, even when they're big ones), and meet with a co-worker/ex/probably a friend to find a ring. Remember, all the "HE'S A DOUCHEBAGE OMGZZZ" is just Anna's interpretation of what happened.

      Delete
  40. Want to weep? Read this forum:

    http://ohfifty.com/forum/general-fifty-shades/7913-would-you-could-you-hate-him

    A quote:

    I was very quickly ADDICTED to the wonderful journey Ana and Christian take together!!! I couldn't put it down!!! Yes, their love scenes are HOT, but there is SO MUCH MORE to the Fifty Shades trilogy!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just shoot me now. I cannot bear to live any longer in a world where people like that exist.

      Delete
    2. I can't read the forum when just reading that quote made me want to reach for an ax. Ye gods.

      Delete
  41. Okay a little off topic here from the recap, which is awesome as per usual... But I noticed in this and in the review for the glasses you received that you hair is looking super cute lately! I've finally grown mine all out after a rather impulsive chop a few years ago and here I am wanting to do it all over again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm so frustrated with it, though, I want it to grow out faster!

      Delete
  42. I fucking hate these books.

    But I love your recaps.

    ReplyDelete
  43. "I'm no psychologist, but that's not going to stop me from diagnosing Christian Grey with Dissociative Identity Disorder."

    I am a psychologist (albeit not a clinical one) and I'm still going with sociopathic narcissist, myself. I'm not even joking.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I lost it and literally began choking violently on the tea I was drinking when I read Mr. Jen's comments on the daquiris-in-front-of-a-fire-in-August bit. I got wildly uncomfortable just reading the excerpt you wrote and he fully and perfectly articulated why that was.

    ReplyDelete
  45. RE: the "Sweet, blond-haired, blue-eyed Elliot" thing.
    I might be reading too much into it, but it's probably because blond hair and blue eyes are considered very fair/white/American (or white European) traits. You usually see the whole boy/girl next door thing or All-American boy/girl thing being linked to blond(e) haired, blue-eyed people. Because of that, there's this idea that they're pure and, considering the frequent sex-shaming and queerphobia in these books, it's not surprising that Ana would be scandalized by the idea of pure Elliot being (gasp) bisexual and acting on it. Of course, when the queer people are cutting Ana's hair or giving her a massage, she's cool with it, but no, not blond-haired, blue-eyed Elliot.
    So, yeah, I definitely think there's a racial thing going on with regards to Elliot falling into classic, Euro-centric standards of beauty and therefore being considered more pure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it's more that they're the only attributes James ever gave to Elliot, so instead of 'sweet, kind, monogamous, empathic Elliot' or whatever, she could only list his generic physicalities, which makes me wonder why she included sweet. So far his humour has been anything but sweet, or his behaviour, so it can only be a physical thing ... but I still don't get how someone can physically be sweet unless they look sweet, but how is she verbalising that really? Rosy, chubby cheeks, or dimples, or huge eyes?

      Further proof that James doesn't even understand the language of the country she fucking lives in.

      Delete
    2. Maybe Ana licked him once.

      Delete
  46. "Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one."

    *gags*
    This book's fucking ridiculous.

    Also, Christian's whole "You can wear what you want" thing is refreshing (and it freaking shouldn't be, but whatever) however, I think it's interesting that it only happens when there are other people around who Ana could call to her defense. If it was just him and Ana, I'm still 100% positive he'd be all "Hide your shame" like he always is.

    Still, this recap was phenomenal, hilarious, and the image of Miss Grace and Dame Sally as Ana's subconscious and Inner Goddess is the most beautiful image I've ever had in my head and I'm treasuring it forever.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Wait, are you telling me the cliffhanger with the coffee was never resolved? Fucking bullshit!

    ReplyDelete
  48. I've an interesting fact (/and sort of a correction), and a question.

    Interesting fact: In terms of measurement of mountains, we say 'highest' mountain as opposed to 'tallest'. This is because 'highest' is measured from the sea level to summit, whereas 'tallest' means it is measured from the base of the mountain to summit. Thus, Mt Everest* is the highest mountain, and the tallest mountain is Mauna Kea, in Hawaii. If mountain heights were measured in distance from the centre of the Earth, Mt. Chimborazo of the Andes range would be the highest mountain. This is because the Earth is an oblate spheroid, and the equator is further away from the centre than the poles. This would also mean that many beaches in Ecuador are higher than Mt. Everest.

    I'm not familiar with the Aspen mountain range, so I don't know if Mt. Aspen is either the tallest, or highest, or both (or neither) - so this may or may not be a correction.

    * The man for which Mt. Everest is named, his surname was pronounced Ee-verest, not Ev-erest.

    Question: In the comments above, you mention a Hugh Howey incident. What is this, if you don't mind my asking?

    Observation: PS. When I saw an email from you with the next chapter of The Boss in my inbox, I clapped like a demented gibbon, and then did Wallace Hands. Slightly undignified, yes, but it well displays how it's becoming the highlight of my week.

    ReplyDelete
  49. "the guys are going to go fishing [...] and Elliot is going to go buy a watch battery." Wait wait, so it means Ethan and Grey are alone? RUN ETHAN. He will drown you and make it look like an accident!

    "The imagery of strawberry daiquiris in front of a fire makes me uncomfortable."

    Seriously, wtf. In front of a bonfire, you either drink tea or mulled wine or hot chocolate. Not something you'd consume in a beach bar!

    Honestly, I think the whole Aspen trip was necessary to show off Christian's wealth, but since the romance has progressed to fast, she had to make it in August. I guess this would have worked better as some sort of extra chapter. (I think there is a Christmas extra chapter.) But I guess she wanted to put the three couples in one place, and another trip to Europe would have been too repetitive.

    " "Not very well. Ethan taught me."
    His eyes frost immediately. "you made the right decision," he says, his voice much cooler."
    Yup, Ethan was lucky they've just returned from fishing.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I need more time to properly read all the comments, I hope I'm not duplicating someone elses link: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/04/22/dont-be-that-guy-calgary-posters_n_3133586.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&ir=Canada+Living&src=sp&comm_ref=false#slide=more267050

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is a wonderful thing and I genuinely hope it catches on in other places. That is exactly the kind of mindset we need: a focus on ongoing, active consent and the onus of preventing sexual assault falling on the perpetrators.

      Delete
  51. It's odd, after coming here and following the reviews for these things, I've started to realize a few things, one of them being that a friend of mine is in a somewhat abusive relationship. He bf is a control freak, and he buys her expensive gifts in order to make up for past slights (as abusers are wont to do after messing up). Now I say somewhat, because it's a very parasitic relationship, she asks for expensive gifts in order for him to make up for his wrong-doings, and he complies. So it's abusive going both ways, not that it's healthy either way, and she knows how some parts of it are, yet she's still willing to endure it because of the comfort money gives.

    Anyway, I can kinda see why Ana would ract w/ surprise if Elliot was bi. I mean, it might be surprising to find out someone is bi/gay, but that's as far as the surprise goes. Calling him a manwhore for possibly sleeping w/ a bunch of women, and possibly some men is a little much. Then she should start calling her Adonis a manwhore too, since he's slept with a lot of women in his past too.

    ReplyDelete
  52. There is no way ELJ made Elliot intentionally gay or bi as that would give depth to a character and we all know she is incapable of that.But I'm just gonna go with the belief that he's bi because it makes this dross almost interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I just can't believe it. How could someone write all this horrible stuff unintentionally?
    Sometimes you have to wonder if ELJ isn't the greatest troll of all time and it will turn out in a few years that it was all some kind of social experiment.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Long time reader, first time commenter. Came for the 50 Shades recaps, stayed for the rest of the awesomeness.

    Near the end of the last chapter I found a mistake related to the airplane trip. It's a pretty geeky-technical error, something that might only jump out to those with a knowledge of air traffic control. And because of that, I was torn: I wanted to comment, but it felt like piling on with the rest of the crowd (not that these books don't deserve it). And hey, it was kinda obscure, so I decided to let it slide and wish authors or their editors could do a little more research in areas they wanted to write about but might not know so much.

    Then I see we kick off this chapter and Stephen brings up "density altitude"? Oh hell no. My dear, if you're gonna have your characters throw around big words like "density altitude" to show what a smart pilot they are, then you better make sure they're not doing something like CRUISING AT THE WRONG ALTITUDE during the flight!

    In brief, North American air traffic flies at odd-thousand foot levels when traveling easterly and even-thousand foot levels westbound. Last time I checked, Aspen is east of Seattle, which means there is no way air traffic control would let them cruise at 32,000 feet. If they filed that altitude in their flight plan, departure control would have spotted it before they even started the engines and asked if they wanted a different altitude, maybe 31,000 or 33,000.

    And yet there is it... Stephen (the actual pilot and not a flight attendant who could be forgiven for making an error) announces they're cruising at approximately 32,000 feet. I suppose maybe Christian Grey is so important that they could have cleared out all traffic at the 32,000 foot level...

    Like I said, I was totally willing to let that slide until she decided to demonstrate how smart her flight crew was by bring up density altitude. Which could definitely be an issue at Aspen in August. But after flying over at the wrong flight level, I feel like she just looked up air pilot terms and found one that was semi-relevant and sounded impressive.

    For inquiring minds:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Density_altitude

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_level#Semicircular.2FHemispheric_rule

    (P.S. I know this is like a month after the fact... I took a hiatus from the blog and now I'm gorging on them as quickly as I can)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After thinking over the weekend, I wondered how these passages could have been written without a good understanding of aviation. You wouldn't _need_ that kind of terminology and detail. It's just a hop from Seattle to Aspen not an epic on aviation and pilots.

      She could have easily written "at our cruising altitude" or "assigned altitude". She could have had Stephen say the landing was smooth because "the winds were good" or "conditions were favorable". She could have punted and gone for a more general approach.

      And as I said, I can forgive the altitude thing. We hear pilots say things like that all the time on our flights. I'm sure most travelers don't realize there's a method to it and the altitudes aren't whatever the pilot feels like flying that day.

      But "density altitude" is not a term or a concept the general public comes in contact with while flying. If you're going to use that, you're stepping past the cockpit door and should probably have some idea what you're talking about. Even if the bulk of your readers will dismiss it and keep reading, some of us who know better will be insulted.

      Huh. Sounds a lot like how she writes about D/s relationships: making it sound good without doing much research. And those who know better are rather insulted, if the comments on these recaps are any indication.

      Delete

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