Thursday, June 20, 2013

50 Shades Freed recap Chapter 18 or "It wasn't called Jack & Karen, but it should have been"

Here are some links! They were sent to me by people! I didn't keep track of who! I'm a maverick!

So, a few weeks ago, some of you began expressing, either in comments or tweets or emails, however you guys get ahold of me, that you were afraid I wasn't enjoying doing these recaps anymore. And to be frank, I'm really not. That is, I'm not enjoying writing them, but I do enjoy that you enjoy them, and it gives me joy to see you enjoying them.

The words "joy" and "enjoy" no longer mean anything to you, now that you've read that sentence.

But I thought, "People aren't going to enjoy them anymore, if it's obvious that I'm not enjoying them," (oh god, it's just going on and on, isn't it?). I needed to find a way to write this recap and enjoy doing it.

I think this book is getting to me, guys.

Anyway, I decided one way I could jazz things up and make it fun for myself would be to imagine Jack and Karen from Will & Grace recapping this chapter with me. I thought good and hard about whether or not Jack and Karen would like 50 Shades of Grey or not. I decided that Jack was more likely to make some kind of 50 Shades of Gay joke, but revile the actual book because of his anti-straight marriage stance. And Karen doesn't need to fantasize about banging rich men. If she wanted to, she'd just go out and do it. I felt a sudden kinship with the universe realizing that the only character on the show who would actually like the book would probably be Will, and I hated him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, welcome to my mental breakdown in which I pretend to talk to characters from a television show that has been off the air for just a tick under a decade now in order to cope with the horror of this book.
Once again, Ana is waking up. And let me tell you, I want to thank E.L. James for starting and finishing so many chapters with characters waking up and falling asleep. Because I hit a major snag in something I was working on this week, and I realized I had several chapters/scenes in a row ending and beginning that way. And I was like, "Jesus, I don't want to do that. That sucks to read." If you take no practical writing knowledge away from these recaps, at least take away that one small wisdom. If your characters are waking up and going to sleep to make new scenes happen, over and over and over, something is wrong.

Unless your book is about a sleepwalker or something.

Ana wakes up warm and comfortable and yadda yadda, how she always wakes up, then she remembers she's at the Heathman and:
"Shit! Daddy!" I gasp out loud, recalling with a gut-wrenching surge of apprehension that twists my heart and starts it pounding why I'm in Portland.
Man. I write some unwieldy sentences, but daaaaamn.

Christian wasn't wrapped around Ana like vines or ivy or a steel wool hair shirt, so where could he possibly be? If you guessed "creepily watching her sleep," you'd be tragically right:
"Hey." Christian is sitting on the edge of the bed. He strokes my cheek with his knuckles, instantly calming me. "I called the ICU this morning. Ray had a good night. It's all good," he says reassuringly.
Hey, you know what I just had the weirdest thought about? HIPAA and patient confidentiality. While I understand that Ana is Ray's next of kin, and Ana would be totally okay with Christian having access to his medical information, and Christian's mom is apparently Ray's doctor now or something, you know who hasn't had a say in this? RAY. And it's up to him who has access.

Just saying.

Then something happens that we haven't seen for a few chapters, but we really weren't missing. That's right, the "we have to say hi to each other shyly in the morning" scene:
"Hi," I mutter. He's up and dressed in a black T-shirt and blue jeans.
"Hi," he replies, his eyes soft and warm. "I want to wish you happy birthday. Is that okay?"
Oh, this he asks. "Can I have access to your bank account and college transcripts?" Not on the table. "May I make a secret list of people you aren't allowed to speak to?" Apparently, that's just a given. But he asks if he can wish her a happy birthday. Because manners.

You think it's bad now, Karen? You just wait.

Christian gives Ana her birthday present, which comes with a card. It reads:
For all our firsts on your first birthday as my beloved wife.
From any other husband, I probably wouldn't bat an eye, but from Christian Grey, I think, "Jesus Christ, it's not all about you."

See, Karen knows what's up with Ana's birthday.

Christian is celebrating Ana's birthday as a kind of rebirth. She's transitioning from Ana Steele to Christian Grey's wife, and the gift reflects this:
Unwrapping the paper carefully so it doesn't tear, I find a beautiful red leather box. Cartier. It's familiar, thanks to my second-chance earrings and my watch. Cautiously, I open the box to discover a delicate charm bracelet of silver or platinum or white gold- I don't know, but it's absolutely enchanting. Attached to it are several charms: the Eiffel Tower; a London black cab; a helicopter- Charlie Tango; a glider- the soaring, a catamaran- The Grace; a bed; an ice cream cone? I look up at him, bemused. 
I just want to point out that she got "second chance earrings" before she got a birthday present.

Every charm on the bracelet is something that ties her to him. There isn't a single charm that's just like, "Hey, I remembered you like cats, so that's what the kitty is for," or some shit. This isn't just Christian trying to mind-wipe Ana's past and make her life all about him; it's a really shocking reminder that without Christian Grey, Ana Steele is a character who has no discernable personality.

I'm sorry, Jack, I just don't believe in love anymore. Not after these books.

The ice cream, by the way, is a reference to "vanilla."
"Christian this is beautiful. Thank you. It's yar."
Your guess is as good as mine.

One of the charms is a locket so she can put Christian's picture in it, a C (for Christian, obviously) and another is a key to Christian's heart and soul, so that explains the key necklaces I've been seeing everywhere, I guess.
Oh, he smells so good- clean, of fresh linen, body wash, and Christian.

Oh, by the way, Ana cries in this chapter more than the vampires cried in my entire first series. And that was a lot, because I was apparently going through some things. Ana starts crying on page 374, then there's a section break and they have breakfast:
"Thank you for ordering my favorite breakfast."
"It's your birthday," Christian says softly. "And you have to stop thanking me." He rolls his eyes in exasperation, but fondly, I think.
"I just want you to know that I appreciate it."
"Anastasia, it's what I do." His expression is serious- of course, Christian in command and in control. How could I forget... Would I want him any other way?
Probably not, but you wouldn't have Stockholm Syndrome, either.

Ana says she's going to go brush her teeth, and Christian smirks, and Ana can't figure out why, until:
A memory springs unbidden to my mind. I used his toothbrush after I first spent the night with him. I smirk and grab his toothbrush in homage to that first time.

The last time I was here I was single, and now I'm married at twenty-two! I'm getting old.

They leave for the hospital, but first, they have to take the "fuck the paperwork" elevator. You know, where he kissed her or whatever back in the first book that I don't care about:
"Someday, I'll rent this elevator for a whole afternoon."
And then they'll sanitize it for the entire evening, night, and morning.

Then they start making out in the elevator, blah blah. They go outside to where Taylor pulls up in a new car:
He's bought me a fucking Audi R8! Holy shit! Just like I asked!
Just like she asked! In the last book! When he didn't buy it for her because reasons! Reasons that had nothing to do with being a control freak!

Ana interprets the gift of the car as this tender, caring thing, but it's really just a reward for being docile and doing what he wanted her to do. Let's be real here. She's submitted in enough other ways that he decided he would give her a treat.
"Anything for you, Mrs. Grey." He grins down at me. Oh my. What a very public display of affection. He bends and kisses me. "Come. Let's go see your dad."
"Yes. And I get to drive?"
He grins down at me. "Of course. It's yours."
Um, so was the other car you bought her, and then refused to let her drive, because you're a freak.

But of course, when Ana does drive, it's way too fast for Christian, and he repeatedly warns her to slow down:
"I don't want you in the ICU beside your father. Slow down," he growls, not to be argued with. I ease off the accelerator and grin at him.
I can understand someone saying, "Hey, don't drive like a jackass when I'm in the car with you, because I don't want to die," but let's remember, Christian is okay with taking some pretty big risks when Ana is along for the ride. Gliders aren't exactly the safest pastime. He zipped her around on a jet ski and dumped her off into the Mediterranean. He's okay with being the guy in the driver's seat doing something dangerous, but Ana can't drive slightly over the speed limit for her own good.

At the hospital, we check in with Ray, who is more interesting than his daughter even when he's in a coma:
Ray's condition is the same. Seeing him grounds me after the heady road trip here. I really should drive more carefully. You can't legislate for every drunk driver in this world.

But notice how Christian tells her she should drive more carefully, and suddenly she thinks it's all her idea? She already knew her dad was in the hospital from a car accident, but it didn't occur to her when she was driving before. Once Christian plants the seed in her head, though, it's suddenly there and her own idea.

So, achievement unlocked, Grey. You've got your wife completely brainwashed.
I wander into the thankfully empty waiting room where Christian is talking on the phone, pacing. As he speaks, he gazes out the window at the panoramic view of Portland. He turns to me when I shut the door, and he looks angry.
"How far above the limit?... I see... All charges, everything. Ana's father is in the ICU- I want you to throw the fucking book at him, Dad... Good. Keep me informed." He hangs up.
Okay. Uh... Christian? You don't decide how drunk drivers are charged. If you're in a state that uses a grand jury in DUI cases, they'll throw the book at the drunk driver, or if you're in a state that doesn't use the grand jury, the judge will throw the book at them.  While I'm sure Christian has power and influence due to his wealth, let's not pretend he runs the court system or can somehow order this guy to get a harsher punishment because he just wants it to be so. This dude can only be charged within the laws that already exist to handle DUI.

Ana updates him on Charlie (Ray, actually, but I'm leaving Charlie because I legit typed that name first because in my head, this book is Twilight), and Christian says:
"This is not how I envisaged spending today," Christian murmurs into my hair.

Who says that? "Envisaged?" Really? Not, "This isn't how I envisioned?" Because that's how most Americans would say it. I'm sure the phrase started out "envisaged" because that's correct, but Americans, even self-made billionaire Americans, don't usually speak correctly.
"I should call my mom. Tell her about Ray," I murmur and Christian stiffens. "I'm surprised she hasn't called me." I frown in a moment of realization. In fact, I feel hurt. It's my birthday after all, and she was there when I was born. Why hasn't she called?
Maybe she's been kidnapped by Jack!

No, no! Different Jack. Settle down.

Ana checks her phone and finds texts from all these other people, but nothing from her mom, and when she tries to call her, she's not home. Ana figures her mother forgot her birthday. Then Christian gets a call from Andrea:
"Good... ETA is what time?... And the other, um... packages?" Christian glances at his watch. "Does the Heathman have all the details?... Good... Yes. It can hold until Monday morning, but e-mail it just in case- I'll print, sign, and scan it back to you... They can wait. Go home, Andrea... No, we're good, thank you."
I'm torn about this next section, guys. Let me tell you why. Ana asks Christian if his call was about the "Taiwan thing," and he says yes, but it's a cover for the fact that he's throwing Ana this big surprise birthday party later that night. So, when this conversation happens:
"It is. The shipyard here depends on it. There are lots of jobs at stake."
"We just have to sell it to the unions. That's Sam and Ros's job. But the way the economy's heading, none of us have a lot of choice."
it makes me wonder if he's just throwing out jargon to try and confuse her, so she doesn't suspect about the party, or if E.L. James just doesn't understand on an authorial level what Christian Grey does. Because none of that stuff seems to follow with getting packages at the Heathman. And if there are lots of jobs at stake and this is a huge, tense time... why can his assistant go home? Why can he take time off right now?

I'm going to be generous and say he was just snowballing so she wouldn't suspect that he's throwing her a party, but it's not entirely necessary, is it? Ana just stumbles around in this constant state of awestruck stupidity when it comes to Christian. He could be planning a second wedding to Mrs. Robinson and she wouldn't notice, so long as he held Ana in his lap and snuggled her and told her she was amazing while he did it.

Speaking of which, how does Ana spend her birthday in the hospital with her comatose father? BY MAKING IT ALL ABOUT CHRISTIAN, OF COURSE!
"I love philanthropic Christian," I murmur.
"Just him?"
"Oh, I love megalomaniac Christian, too, and control freak Christian, sexpertise Christian, kinky Christian, romantic Christian, shy Christian... the list is endless."
"That's a whole lot of Christians."
"I'd say at least fifty."
He laughs. "Fifty shades," he murmurs into my hair.
"My fifty shades."
He shifts, tipping my head back, and kisses me. "Well, Mrs. Shades, let's see how your dad is doing."
If they start calling each other Mr. and Mrs. Shades, I don't care that I've got two-hundred pages left, I will jam this fucking book in a paper shredder.

There's a totally unnecessary section where they go for a drive in Ana's new car, and then later they go to lunch. Which is also an entirely unnecessary scene; they only go so that Christian can mention the fact he took her home from a Portland bar drunk, and he can get jealous about the waiter who served them at Le Picotin in the last book. The plot doesn't further in any way. Just, "Hey! Remember when all this stuff happened before? And I'm like, "No. Because I was way too drunk to remember any of this shit, thankfully."

Then there's a scene where Ana goes to her father's hospital room to sit with him. We learn that Ray still wears his wedding ring, even though he and Ana's mother have been divorced for a long time, and then Christian is all, "'I want to feed you,'" and takes Ana back to the Heathman, where he's bought her a dress and shoes and sexy underthings:
Unzipping the bag, I find a navy satin dress and ease it out. It's gorgeous- fitted, with thin straps. It looks small.
"It's lovely. Thank you. I hope it fits."
That's a good question. I mean, we haven't heard over and over in this book, at least, not as much as we heard about it in the last two books, that Ana is practically blowing away in a faint breeze due to her extremely frail and waifish physique. Oh my god, maybe the dress won't fit!

Ana takes a bath, and then this happens:
"Come," he says, regarding me intently. I know that expression, and I know better than to disobey.
He just wanted to dry her hair. But how fucking ominous is that? "I know better than to disobey?" Why am I still surprised when this creepy shit pops up in these books?

There's a section break, and:
When we step into the elevator on our way to dinner, we are not alone. Christian looks delicious in his signature white linen shirt, black jeans and jacket. No tie. The two women inside shoot admiring glances at him and less generous ones at me. I hide my smile. Yes, ladies, he's mine.
Good. Keep him.

 Preach, Karen.

How many more times are we going to have to read about random bitches and skanks trying to steal Ana's man? They're only getting more and more boring. These particular bitches and skanks weren't even described. How do we know if they were blonde or not? Or is that just a given?
The dress hugs me, skimming over my curves and holding everything in place.
How does that work? It's either tight or not, and skimming sounds like it's not. How is it holding everything in place if it's skimming? NONE OF THESE WORDS WORK TOGETHER.
I have to say, I feel... attractive wearing it. I know Christian approves.
That statement would be a lot less sad if we knew those were two independent ideas, not that Ana feels attractive because Christian approves. But here we are. 
At first, I think we're heading for the private dining room where we first discussed the contract, but he leads me past that doorway and on to the far end, where he opens the door to another wood-panelled room.
Oh my. Kate and Elliot, Mia and Ethan, Carrick and Grace, Mr. Rodriguez and José, and my mother and Bob are all there raising their glasses.
Is this an intervention to save Ana from her abusive relationship?!

Damnit, no. It's just a surprise party. The reason her mom didn't answer the phone or call her was because she was on the way to Portland in Christian's plane. So, happy birthday, honey, I made you momentarily think your mother doesn't love you while your other parent is on life support in the ICU! My timing is amazing! (Also, dear readers, remember that this shit is going down when Ana's biological father DIED THE DAY AFTER HER BIRTHDAY... I know it's easy to forget; the author obviously did.)

Christian's brother has exactly the same kind of sensitivity to Ana's situation:
"S'up babe? Your old man will be fine." Elliot enfolds me in his arms. "Happy birthday."
I gaze at Mom. She's in her element, charming, witty, and warm. I love her so much. I must remember to tell her. Life is so precious, I realize that now.
But not when you were attacked by your boss, held at gunpoint by your husband's ex, chased down a busy freeway by an unidentified assailant, stumbled upon a violent home invasion/foiled kidnapping attempt, and  your husband was in a helicopter crash? It takes a lot for Ana to get the fucking point, doesn't it?

Ana and Kate discuss how sexy it is that Christian can fly a helicopter, and then:
Kate spits her wine rather unattractively down her chin, making us both laugh some more.
That's the best present Ana could have gotten. Happy birthday, your friend did something that made her look unattractive.

They bring out Ana's cake:
"Make a wish," Christian whispers to me. In one breath I blow out all the candles, fervently willing my father better. Daddy, get well. Please get well. I love you so.
And it works! Because Ana is magic!

Okay, there are some scenes between the birthday wish the actual recovery, including one with Mr. Rodriguez where, apropos of nothing, he tells Ana that he thought José would have married her. Because there isn't a single man in this series who doesn't want to climb all over Ana. But I'm making it a point to skip scenes that are meaningless in the context of the narrative, so I'm skipping that one for sure.

After a section break, we're back at the Heathman:
Christian closes the door to our suite.
"Alone at last," he murmurs, leaning back against the door, watching me.
I step toward him and run my fingers over the lapels of his jacket. "Thank you for a wonderful birthday. You really are the most thoughtful, considerate, generous husband."

In the morning, they all have breakfast together, give Ana presents- because this is apparently a fucking wedding or something- and then Ana goes to the hospital with her mother to visit Ray. It's actually a pretty good scene, or would be, if it went anywhere important to the story or character development. Ana's mom talks about how she still loves Ray, but they just changed as people, and it's all very good, until we realize that the entire reason we're reading this scene is for the conversation to turn back to Christian and how much he and Ana are in love:
"We are, I think. Getting there, anyway. I love him. He's the center of my world. The sun rises and sets with him for me, too."
"He obviously adores you, darling."
"And I adore him."
"Make sure you tell him. Men need to hear that stuff just like we do."
Here's why this doesn't sit right with me. Ana is constantly telling Christian how much she loves him, how she cherishes him and he's amazing. It's not like this is something Christian is lacking in his life. And the scene is delivered as though there is some underlying trouble with Christian and Ana's relationship. There is, don't get me wrong, but it hasn't been a major source of conflict in this book. Honestly, I would have preferred it if there had been some conflict, any conflict (that didn't have to do with incredibly outlandish, mustache-twirling villains who drive cars that don't even exist). So, putting this scene here is just a big, red flag that something is going to go wrong within the next two chapters, and obviously it's going to be all Ana's fault because she's not loving enough or something.

Christian and Ana drive Bob and Renee (it's Renee, right? In this book?) to the airport, and then they go back to the hospital, where Ray is off the ventilator in preparation for eventually waking up from his medicated coma. Ana reads Ray the sports page. I know I've complained before about the improbability of a hunting, fishing, good-ole boy Amurican like Ray loving soccer, but I'm sorry, I have to do it again. Especially considering it is now September 11, so the Mariners would still be playing. And in the previous scene, Renee or whoever the fuck Ana's mom is specifically referenced the Mariners.
"And the final score, Sounders one, Real Salt Lake two."
"Hey, Annie, we lost? No!" Ray rasps, and he squeezes my hand.
So, that happened.

I'll be on vacation next week, so recaps will resume in July! 


  1. Isn't Renee Twilight mom? Thus Renesmee?

  2. Well, Ana obviously hates her birthday because her boyfriend is eternally 17 and - OH WAIT. THIS ISN'T TWILIGHT.

    Also I totally have chapters starting with a character asleep... but then there's dead body finding so that doesn't count, right? :P

  3. Seven chapters left? Aaaaargh! (the most appropriate cry of depression for this series) I'll call it now--the last recap will have a whole bunch of celebration gifs.

    And this series seems to suck the life and joy out of everything, like a Dementor. I hope you get some of the joy back on your vacation; you deserve it for these recaps alone!

    Love the Will and Grace gifs. I totally miss that show.

  4. Jack and Karen! Inspired. I laughed like a loon.

    This chapter... I remember it pissing me off so badly, because being the guest of honour at a surprise party can be so tense and awkward at the best of times. Being the guest of honour at a surprise party when your father is in intensive care? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

    Anyway, I meant to send you this link before, so here it is: In brief, Stephen Amell has decided not to bother playing Christian Grey, because he read the book and found the character "boring". So now I love Stephen Amell and want to have his babies.

    1. I want to jump his bones now. It's ballsy for an actor to admit that an incredibly popular book has such a boring lead since it risks alienating fans. It's interesting that there haven't been many rumors circulating about who will be in the films now. Perhaps they're having trouble finding people interested enough.

    2. The person who wrote this article seemed sadden that this actor didn't take the role

      "As those who have read the trilogy know, Christian evolves greatly through the course of E L's three books.

      So, did Stephen read "Fifty Shades Darker" or "Fifty Shades Freed" to see if the character would become more appealing

      "No, one [book] was enough!" he told Access."

      Um, I think one book is enough to scope out a situation. I mean, it's the first impression that counts, right?

    3. Oh man, he spilled that tea. Love it.

      That article though:

      "As those who have read the trilogy know, Christian evolves greatly through the course of E L's three books."

    4. No, Christian devolves. He only mellows at all because Ana gets better at knowing how to diffuse his tempter. How awful that people think he looks better because his victim has learned what not to do to avoid being hit and she has become a full-blown Stockholm victim. The perp won.

    5. That gif made me straight-up spit tea all over myself. Nicely done.

  5. You, fantastic woman, should be made President of the World.

    Or Queen Mother of All That Is Awesome and Hilarious.

    Or Almighty Ruler of Well-Placed Gifs.

    Or Lady Protector of the Poor Curious Souls That Wanted to Know what Fifty Shades of Grey was About, but Didn't Actually Have To Read it Thanks to You.

    Or maybe something shorter, but equally impressive.

    Seriously, you deserve all of the appreciation for reading this shit first-hand and actually finding some way to make it entertaining and bearable for the rest of us.

    This is an appreciation comment. I love you, Jen, please don't ever change.

    (I might or might not be drunk right now, so...)

  6. "She was there when I was born, after all"

    This bit leapt out at me when I read the first time, and again now.

    Is the EL James trying to be funny? Because it's really out of place. Of course your BIRTH MOM is going to be there WHEN YOU ARE BORN.

    FFS, Ana, new dumb low.

    P.S. I always loved Jack and Karen. It should have been called Jack and Karen, since they made that show watchable. Thank you for including them!

    1. I think the bit where Ana says "she was there when I was born, after all" of her birth mother is EL James trying to show that Ana is hilariously witty. We Brits can't help it - we just LOVE a bit of sarcasm. Sadly, since the writing in this hopeless trilogy is neither good OR funny and the character of Ana is about as rounded as the square window on Play School, the sentence just comes out of nowhere and looks STUPID.

    2. No, I got that, I make similar jokes. It's just really out of place here, since Ana is a fucktard ;)

    3. To be fair, both of Professor Doofenshmirtz's parents skipped his birth. ;)

    4. I can't believe you'd drag Phineas and Ferb into this!

      Maybe Ana meant it like a MacDuff twist. She was born by C-section/test tube/experiment so she wasn't naturally born and therefore sets up for much lolz.

    5. I love Phineas and Ferb! A bit too much. I've seen every episode and the movie dozens of times and can tell you more trivia than you ever cared to know. :)

    6. Well, Rincewind once mentioned that his mother ran away before he was born...
      So it was a joke that came out fucking stupid because this book only brings misery to the world?

  7. I can't believe that no one has got that Ana is pregnant yet. Or hasn't that happened yet? This book is bizarre.

    1. I can't believe it's 7 chapters to the end and she hasn't found out she's preg. I thought for sure that at least half of the book would be Christian acting like a possessive asshole because she's carrying his child and being abusive while blaming it on his anxiety about becoming a dad.

    2. It 's been a while since I read this crap, but If my memory serves, Ana finally gets a phone call from the doctor about missing her shots, she goes to her office, finds out she's is indeed pregnant, and freaks. She whines a little about how pissed Chedward will be and how her glorious life will be over, to which the doctor replies: "Well this does happen to people who do not get their shots."

      At one point, she even blames the DOCTOR for her getting pregnant in the first place!
      I smirked at the doctor's line though. This shows how truly scared and brainwashed Ana is by Christian's behavior. Normally, a wife with a decent man for a husband would be glad to tell him about her pregnancy and he would be excited too.
      Ana knows Chedward will not be the "kind considerate generous husband" we all know he isn't. Instead, she even says that he'll freak and that he may not even desire her when she begins showing.

    3. My favorite is her blaming Hannah for letting her rearrange her schedule and pushing back the appointments. Even though Hannah tried to warn her, it was clearly her fault.

    4. Yeah, I love that part, too. You can't expect your assistant to be responsible for your contraception arrangements.

  8. I was about to say, "But I say envisaged all the time!"

    Then I remembered I'm British. You know, like EL James.

  9. I can't get over the cuteness of that puppy in the "YAY!" gif. I just keep going back up to look at it.
    (I also loved the recap. puppies just kill my brain.)

  10. I am watching Doc Martin while reading this and thinking about Martin and Louisa and Bridget and Mark and Marshall and Lily ... I could go on.

    How can anyone wish to be like Ana and Christian with all of them out there?!

    I really, really hate every character in these books. All of them. It should end with the lot dying in a fiery crash in Charlie Tango. Because I hate that character, too.

    1. OMG Louiserrr... I want to marry that girl. And I'm way more like Martin that I should admit, so she might consider it.

    2. They're just so sweet and adorably imperfect.

  11. Oh and also, the soccer thing doesn't bother me much. My uncle and cousin (different sides of the fam) both played for years and love it -- my uncle had a shot at the pros, but decided to concentrate on school instead.

    And the man friend is also a huge soccer fan. He watches every chance he gets.

    1. It bothers me a bit, but that's mostly because its the Sounders. As background, the Sounders have been around in some form since the 1970's, but they were a minor league team with decent minor league attendance until they got an expansion franchise in like 2008 (maybe 7, but it hasn't been that long). Anyway, good marketing, the basketball team leaving, being a market amenable to soccer, stadium capacity made the sounders the highest attended team in the league and got them a lot of press, and it snowballed into a lot of enthusiasium that was part genuine and part bandwagonning.

      So EL James sets her book in Seattle, and decides to have her dad be a sports fan - so she goes with the team that plays the sport she's familiar with, not teams with a longer standing profile like the Mariners, Seahawks or any number of college teams (so how long has he been a fan). And then, whenever they are mentioned they are always playing Real Salt Lake, which is not really a main rival for Seattle (if it's before Portland & Vancouver join the league guess I would have gone with the Gals cause they're the glamour team) and one of the most frequent punchlines for outsiders to the league (who's the King of Utah?). Now, they're a good team, but either mix it up or pick better.

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  13. If I was blowing the candles on the cake I'd wish that this thing would never be made into a film. I still have the hope that it won't happen.

    1. Apparently Sam Taylor-Johnson is going to direct the film. she says the characters are 'under her skin'. if this is true, then she is a silly cow, and also, ugh, I'd see a doctor if I was her

    2. I'm wondering if it's the paycheck or the prospect of better roles after establishing oneself, but it's a double edged sword - it might work well like in the case of Robert Pattinson or ruin their career completely and drive them to drinking just to cope with the loss of their dignity. It's a great dilemma, whether to refuse the role in the film and keep one's integrity with the possibility of losing a chance to establish oneself worldwide or whether to do the film and give up the integrity and hope for better roles that might or mightn't come one day.
      I call it Pattinson's choice.

    3. But at least Pattinson could always claim diggory. He lucked into getting good roles off of that. I'm not including twilight, obv

  14. "But notice how Christian tells her she should drive more carefully, and suddenly she thinks it's all her idea? She already knew her dad was in the hospital from a car accident, but it didn't occur to her when she was driving before. Once Christian plants the seed in her head, though, it's suddenly there and her own idea." -Also a punishment in a way for her daring to have some fun, or rather she's brainwashed into punishing herself? Idk, it's really weird anyway that she wouldn't have thought of it herself while she was in the car. You'd think she'd start off driving carefully? This damn book.

    "If they start calling each other Mr. and Mrs. Shades, I don't care that I've got two-hundred pages left, I will jam this fucking book in a paper shredder." And this would be where I started laughing like a loon in the sanctity of my dorm room, and then praying to all of the deities man kind has ever come up with that this in fact does not happen. Kind of like that dude in The Mummy, lol.

    I'm guessing it's going to be the preggers thing that is going to be all Anna's fault and the relationship strife. Nicely shoe-horned in if there really are only seven more chapters to go.

    I'm sorry you've been enjoying the recaps less though, but it's completely understandable it is like being next to a dementor (kudos to whoever drew that comparison above, it's the truth, haha), but I am glad you are going to finish them off as much as hearing about this dreck makes me a sad panda. It's a double-edged sword for all of us, hurrah. I wish we could do something to make you look forward to finishing it or you got like a reward for doing it like the nobel prize. ;)

  15. I'm very tempted to send you a care package of candies and stuff for being such a trooper in regards to the recaps.

    You've earned it; isn't chocolate the cure for Dementors?

    1. Ditto. Or a wine basket. I think Jenny might like a wine basket.

    2. A drink of wine for every one of Ana's whines... seems a fair trade.

    3. If Jenny takes a drink of wine every time Ana's whines, our lovely blogger is going to need her stomach pumped.

    4. Are trying to get her to die of alcohol poisoning?

    5. I think she'd share with DRock, thus avoiding the potential OD.

      It can be a game, Let's Drink Like Ana!

    6. Let's Drink Like Ana will make us all end up in hospital, or regulars at AA meetings. At best.

      Don't forget, she got more drunk when she had water on a night out!

  16. "One of the charms is a locket so she can put Christian's picture in it, a C (for Christian, obviously) and another is a key to Christian's heart and soul, so that explains the key necklaces I've been seeing everywhere, I guess."

    This is depressing. Not only does Christian make her birthday present all about him, but then she does the same thing. Locket charms usually always have two spots, for two pictures. But it doesn't even occur to her that she could put pictures of herself and Christian; she only thinks about having Christian's picture.

    1. Can you imagine the weight of all those charms?? At least it'll cover the bruises next time he attacks her..

    2. That's what I thought : how MANY charms are there on that thing ?

  17. Just a brief comment on HIPAA and patient confidentiality - since Ray was in a coma, his health care decisions would be made by the next of kin and the medical team. He could also have a power of attorney or health care proxy document that would assign someone the power to make decisions regarding his care while he was incapable of making them. If that person was Ana, she could authorize the release of patient information from the hospital to Christian. Granted, this is more detail than E.L James would ever be trifled with (why let realism get in the way of spectacularly shitty storytelling!), but it is feasible that Christian would have been able to call the hospital and get information on Ana's father without the hospital violating HIPAA.

    1. Considering we've seen the interactions with the hospital and no signing of any documents authorizing release of information to Christian, I doubt there's any release. Even then, releases signed by someone other than the patient is limited.

  18. For all our firsts on your first birthday as my beloved wife.

    So...Ana is an infant, and Christian is a single father doing his best to raise her? Or did he marry a one year old? I'm so confused!

    1. I misread the first bit,thought it was fists and had the horror of thinking the contract was getting another filler few pages!

  19. When this is all over, are you going to have a celebratory book-burning party? And post pictures? :P

    I never watched Will and Grace, although I've seen the odd episode here and there. Reminding me of the brilliance of Jack and Karen makes me want to go watch it in full :P

  20. This "yar" thing ... is that something the kids say today and I just didn't know it because I'm that old, or is it something E.L. James is trying to make happen? And why do I even want to know this? The answer is probably going to piss me off either way.

    1. "Ana, stop trying to make yar happen. It's NOT going to happen!"

      Mean Girls is the answer to everything.

    2. Yar got me 28 points in WWF today. These books have some usefulness!

    3. Nope, it's much older than these kids. It's a Philadelphia Story reference, where the characters use it because it's boating terminology and they, you know, build and sail boats.

      Well, it's a Philadelphia Story reference for Christian. Ana uses it because he uses it, which is probably why she has no idea what it means. Unless her bracelet really is quick to handle.

  21. I don't think it's weird to need a fictional character to help you get through a sporking or a recap. When I spork fanfiction, I usually add Daryl Dixon or Tony Stark's views of the world while I write. It makes it easier to deal with the utter stupidity when I have to write in another character's voice. So what you're doing makes sense to me. I'm glad you were able to find a way to get through this—I do enjoy reading your recaps quite a lot and I know how hard it is to keep going with something like this once you reach that point where your hatred for it outweighs your desire to get it all finished.

    So, thank you.

    He's bought me a fucking Audi R8! Holy shit! Just like I asked!

    You leave Tony Stark's car out of this, god damn it!!!

    Ana updates him on Charlie (Ray, actually, but I'm leaving Charlie because I legit typed that name first because in my head, this book is Twilight)

    I really don't blame you. I have the same problem with this book.

  22. Mr and Mrs Fucking Shades??? Jen,it's no wonder you're pissed off,have a great holiday,with all thoughts of the fucking Shades well out of your head!!

  23. Two things are really bugging me (well far more than two, but two in particular):
    1. Christian and his father are from Washington, the accident happened in Oregon. Christian's father has absolutely no jurisdiction or pull whatsoever here.
    2. Christian grinning down at Ana is a public display of affection? (I realize she's talking about the kiss that comes later, but that's not what the sentence says.) That actually makes me feel sad for Ana.

    1. Not to mention that he fingered her in an elevator with other people in it about a book ago. Compared to that, I'm pretty sure smiles and kisses shouldn't be that big of a deal.

  24. No, the mother's not Renee. Hold on; I know this. I swear I know this...isn't it like Carla, or something? Then, again, I could be thinking of Renesmee. I'm pretty sure her middle name was Carla. You know; how bad is it that I've read all three of these books and can't remember the mother's name?


    Oh, so Ana's mom is named Carla, and Renesmee's middle name is Carlie. My bad. That's still rather close, though, isn't it? It's like, even when EL James tries to shove out all the Twilight, it returns like some sort of virus and tries to shove its way back in.

    1. Ray and Carla, Renee and Charlie. Renesmee was a mashup of Renee and Esme, and Carlie was for Carlisle and Charlie. I need to go bleach my brain now.

  25. Ooh yay, lookie what I found: According to this article, the moron who wrote that book recommends 50 shades of shit as recommended reading for men wanting to "pick up" women. >.> All is lost, all is fucking lost.

    1. I read that although they're still letting the money go through, Kickstarter apologised for that and are donating $25000 to an anti-sexual violence charity. I still wish they could've returned all the pledges and said NOPE though.

  26. I see "yar" and I think of this episode of Roseanne...

  27. "She was there when I was born, after all"

    NYT Bestseller, everyone! >.<

    Ugh, not only was Christian's b'day gift to Ana totally corny, he, of course, had to make it all about him! God, even the whole time Ana has been with Ray in the hospital it's been all about Christian and poor little Christian's goddamn feelings!

    Actually, even when I first read Fifty Shades Freed I was admittedly appalled at the fact that Christian would even think of throwing a party for Ana or staying in some fancy hotel while her own damn father is clinging to life in the ICU. It feels so incredibly insensitive, because wouldn't Ray want to be at his daughter's party, too? Also, who the hell wants to party while a loved one is on the verge of death? Can't they at least wait until after Ray recuperates?

    Not that Ana gives a shit, she was the one who was more concerned about her weak tea than the new that her father could die after all... And can she please cut it out with the whole 'Daddy!' bullshit, it's not convincing me that she cares about her father any more than we've seen.

    God, everything Ana and Christian is so affected...

  28. Am I the only one who googled images of Christian's "signature look" and then giggled because black jeans/white shirt/jacket looks pretty douchey? But then I'm not a fan of the jeans and blazers look anyway.

  29. I just stumbled across this site:

    Ruffles and Restraints is basically a Fifty Shades fan art blog. I know, the thought of this horrific piece of literature spawning fan art of its own is just hilariously terrible in itself. And luck I have examples!

    Parting Gift: When Ana dumped Grey in the first book. He just looks like he has the same expression as Scooby Doo when he gets confused: Huh? XD

    The Basics>: A little bit of foot nibblin' from Christian. Yes, it's as strange as it looks... :O

    He Sees You When You're Sleeping: Exactly what it says on the tin. Supposed to be terribly romantic to have Christian Grey watch you as you snore...

    Ana a la Mode: NSFW!!! The infamous vanilla ice cream scene from Fifty Shades Darker. Also, look at that cheap-arse lamp in the corner.

    Distracted Driving: Backseat Freestyle without the Kendrick Lamar. But look at Christian's tongue in this picture. Look at it! It look so weird like a lizard tongue! Please can somebody write that fanfic where Christian turns out to be some weird lizard cyborg in disguise! Oh, and check out Taylor just casually watching through the rear view mirror... Not creepy at all.

    Contemplating Christian: It doesn't look like his fingers are steepled in that condescending way he usually does, it just makes him look dopey like he's trying to fight the urge to stick his fingers up his nose.

    Ana's Bad Habit (Or Is It?): Ana biting her lip. Looks about as seductive as a toddler needing a poo...

    Enjoy yourselves...

    1. Dammit, I was really hoping that those would be parody illustrations on par with the hair-and-eyes-tie from this blog. How disappointing to find out it was *actual* fanart.

      Also, I think it's a testament to it's rip-off origins that all the illustrations actually look like Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's more forgettable brother.

    2. The sad thing is that this girl has some artistic talent and she chooses to use it for THIS.

      I fell asleep sitting up on the couch the other day and I know my BF was watching because he told me about how my mouth was hanging open. Reality, people. Reality.

    3. The "He Sees When You're Sleeping" gave the creeps. I don't know why, but I kept waiting for that crappy representation of Robert Pattinson to lift his head and pierce right into me with his soulless dead stare.

    4. Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, are the comments on that site ever depressing. The artist drew a picture of Elena with Christian, I guess from back when he was her submissive (aka those times that she sexually assaulted a teenager).

      THIS was the artist's explanation:
      "I decided on this particular year since it meant that Christian was legally an adult by that time, and it also eliminated some of the ‘ick’ factor"

      And THIS was a comment on the same drawing:

      "I think Christian’s story from his troubled adolecence till he meets Ana needs to be explored. It is, after all, his unhappy and abusive past that makes him ‘lovable’ fifty shades as opposed to plain ‘evil’ fifty shades"

      The more I get into the actual rationalizations that 50 Shades fans make, the sicker I feel. So apparently, it's okay if you're an abusive asshole, as long as you had a very tragic, traumatic past in which the abuse against you was also romanticized and rationalized away, so that you can continue to do that to your current victim(s). Okay then. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

    5. those drawings are dreadful, lifeless and wooden - how appropriate

    6. Ever since Regretsy came to an end, I've been pining for hilariously appropriate paintings. Thank you, winki.
      These should be the official illustrations.

    7. Eeep... the comments under some of those pictures are utterly creepy. For example, under "The Parting Gift":

      "...since Christian Grey is a stranger to failure and giving up is never an option in his universe, I’m sure that... in the back of his mind he was already planning a strategy to get her back. Maybe never even doubting... Sure, it might be delusional for most people in the same situation, but we’re talking about Christian Grey here, and he always gets what he wants!"

      How, how, how is this considered romantic and attractive instead of a terrifying, arrogant, abusive mindset?

      And from "He Sees You When You're Sleeping":

      " could also say there is a parallel between Christian and Santa. In the holiday tune, it warns that you should be on your best behavior because Santa can always see if you are good or bad, and asleep or awake. You could say that Christian Grey could also acquire the same information on anyone with the appropriate sources.

      Yeah, that is not creepy at all. /sarcasm

    8. Now, if you replaced the wood-like Christian in these illustrations with some fat, naked hairy guy doing all the exact same things Christian is doing in them (including the creepy lizard tongue one in the backseat...), what would the comments be like then? I'll wait...

      I don't know what's worse, the illustrations or the comments making excuses for Christian and his poor fee fees because a bad childhood should excuse you from acting like an abusive dicklord. Oh, and looking hot, don't forget that!/sarcasm

      Seriously, the motto for the Fifty Shades fandom should be 'But it's okay when Christian Grey does it!' :S

      Honestly, how do these people willfully ignore the evidence right in front of them?

      And it doesn't make a difference with the fan art of Elena and Christian as her sub and making him of age at the time, she still took advantage of a child and these fans always seem to gloss over it, it's sick >.<

    9. Oh, please let there be one of Santa Christian coming down Ana's chimney...

    10. Huh. I misread the site as "Ruffles and Restaurants" at first pass. I thought it was a weird name for a art-blog about 50 Shades. Restaurants?

      Then I realized it was "Restraints" and had that moment of "Oh! That makes a _lot_ more sense..." ^_^

    11. Guys, I hate to be this person, but I honestly think there's a fine line between laughing at the book ( and exploring articles and problematic content in relation to 50 Shades,) and actually invading the fans' space and laughing at them. I understand the temptation, I really, really do, but this is a space for the fans to enjoy artwork and creative discourse for books they like.
      Lord knows why they like them, but they do, and they're allowed to.
      The thing with these recaps is that 50 Shades is out there, in public, being sold in stores and pushed down our throats. It's being talked about as an innovative romance novel when it's very problematic and not very well written and relies heavily on cliché. That's open to scrutiny and, as readers and people, we're well within our right to criticize it.
      The fans' space, on the other hand, is just that - theirs. When we go in and mock them and laugh at the things they do (and believe me, I checked out the sight and was tempted to join in) we're no longer talking about the problematic aspects of 50 shades. We're no longer talking about what's wrong with this phenomenon and how people are relating to it. We're literally just invading the fans' space and laughing at them. And, as someone who participates in fandom (and really loathes particular fandoms,) I can tell you that that's not going to make anyone want to listen to us.
      Again, I hate to be the person who comes in and gets all preachy, but I really felt this needed to be said. Sorry if I offended anyone - and this isn't meant to imply that I disrespect any of you for checking out the sight or laughing (believe me, I understand the temptation and it's often something I have to check in with myself about) it's just something I wanted to get out there.

    12. The blog is a) public and b) perpetuating the claim that Fifty Shades is flawless stuff. Whether or not it's officially published doesn't make much difference: fan works are not immune from comment and criticism.

      What would not be cool: leaving nasty comments on the blog, in the same way that it would not be cool for me to stand outside James' window with a megaphone. That's invading someone's space.

    13. @Great_Dragon: I didn't mean for it to come off like I was being mean, but Anon is right. It's in the public domain and I didn't think it was any different to sporking a fanfic of someone's from a different fandom because of its sheer ridiculousness. I was just have a little fun and I would never go troll the author of the blog, never in a million years, nor would I suggest anyone do the same. But really, this is no different to anyone else taking a meme or video or song and making fun of it on another website.

      I was just joking around and having a laugh about how silly it was. Nothing against the girl who drew the art personally or anything. Also, I still can't get over that creepy lizard-looking tongue she drew Christian with in that backseat picture! :P

      But really, I never meant it as mean-spirited or anything, just want to reiterate that.

  30. The women in the elevator were probably checking out Christian's black jeans and sports jacket and wondering how they ended up twenty years in the past.

  31. The worst that drunk driver will get, unless Charlie dies, is a suspension of a year and maybe some fines. Go down to page 97. Without a death, Oregon is easy on drunk drivers. Even for a second offense, it's usually not as suspension as long as three years. I was the child of alcoholics and had to deal with this a lot during my teen years with them driving drunk all the time.

    There are no panoramic views from the ICU waiting room at OHSU. I remember sitting in that room, one of the few times I wasn't there as the patient, watching the TV when news broke of the Atlanta Olympics bombing. The view out of the one-wall windows isn't that great.

    Jen, if you'd like volunteers to take over for a few chapters, I'd be glad to help out and use all the swears I generally keep under wraps.

    1. My grandfather died in a hit and run. Okay, this was in Kent in England, not Oregon ... But the guy who killed my grandfather? He had to pay £300 (approximately $450) that's it. That's what a hit-and-run is worth to the courts. Good fucking luck with your tantrum, Christian.

    2. In Oregon it's not common to get tossed in jail for hits and runs, even when drunk, unless you've got a history of it. If anything, you might get community service. I still can't believe that you get a slap on the wrist for that, but can get years for smoking pot at home.

      If Christian thinks his dad can "throw the book" at someone in another state, either Christian, in his world, has a power that ought to make everyone more terrified than they already are, or he's delusional.

    3. Couldn't they still sue in civil court? My friend got a nice settlement (though it took YEARS) after she was hit by a drunk driver.

      Does his dad work for the state or is he just an attorney in Washington? He could be licensed in both states. Though I think I'm putting more thought into this right now than James did.

  32. This comment has been removed by the author.

  33. Ahhh, stopped reading from the scene with the birthday present. This book is so bad that I can't even read your blog mocking it. Whenever I stumble across anything connected with 50socrap, I feel something pressing my stomach and making me sick.
    How weird is that! o.O

    p.s. thanks for the blog, even if I don't read the posts till the end :)

  34. I'm a little confused, and really really tired - what's the issue with having a birthday party for Ana when her father died the next day? My dad died a few days after Christmas when I was a kid, we still did Christmas every year.

    Love the Jack and Karen stuff, I forgot how much fun they were.

    1. The problem isn't the party, the problem is making Carla unable to call and wish her daughter a happy birthday, so that Ana thought Carla had forgotten. Having a parent forget your birthday is a bad feeling. Losing a parent on the day after your birthday is a bad memory. Having a parent in the ICU on your birthday is awful. Having one person experience all of these at once... that's bad timing.

    2. <.< My mother did forget my birthday one year, about the same age Ana is too now I think about it. I guess that sort of thing doesn't bother me that much.

      I get the lack of contact while Ray is sick in the hospital is really crappy though. Since Christian knew where her mother was, he could have arranged a chance for her to call Ana and touch base.

  35. I have finally been thrown over the edge of disgust by this book. I have rolled my eyes and cried out in rage- but I didn't hit true disgust until I read about Christian's black jeans.

    BLACK JEANS. With a linen shirt and a jacket.
    Christian would never be caught dead wearing that. Black jeans are just horrifying and it depresses me that EL James thinks that this would be appropriate attire for, well, anywhere.

    1. Don't forget, she put him in cutoff jeans shorts on a French beach earlier in the book. I'm still laughing.

    2. Oh god,those cutoff shorts were the most unintentionally hilarious things ever!!!!

    3. I don't understand the black jeans issue. Is it a cultural thing because we have them here (jeggings too but uh prolly not helping my case) and no one seems to gape or gasp or snicker about it?

  36. "If your characters are waking up and going to sleep to make new scenes happen, over and over and over, something is wrong.

    Unless your book is about a sleepwalker or something."

    I just started reading Every Day by David Levithan. It's probably the only book in which this works, and it works because the book is about someone who wakes up as a different person every day.

    1. I'm sure I have a book called shift, where the lead character enters other people's minds when she sleeps and uses this gift to solve a string of murders, and another book based on the Greek gods requires a Demi-god to go to sleep and search the underworld for hades. Both used the wake/sleep function to start and finish their chapters, but this furthered the plot. Where would the one character end up in the underworld? Would the other girl seep into the killer's mind and solve the string of deaths that way? Both written so the act of just going to sleep was an intense experience, both kick this books ass (sorry, I'm having trouble with the name of the Greek-god's one, but it's part of a trilogy?)

  37. It's hard to read the recaps of this crap book. I can't imagine how much harder it is to actually write them. I'd totally get it if you just long as you keep blogging! Your blog posts make my day :)

  38. Wait, we're 18 chapters into this- the last- book of the series and James still hasn't revealed what all of us with semi functional neocortices figured out like 10 chapters ago? When will Ana being knocked up be addressed? Seeing how everything gets draaaaaaaagged out, that shit should've been in chapter 1! It's completely pointless if it never plays into the (imaginary) plot.

    1. Pregnancy and the stress of new-parenthood often get in the way of sex. So I think she wanted to push that part of the Twilight rip off as long as she could.

  39. 'And it's up to [Ray] who has access.'

    But, he's in a coma, as we're reminded several lines down. He can't exactly decide anything so... yeah that line really confused me. Sure it's his decision who has access to him, if he can physically make the decision.

  40. You know what, when you're done with these recaps, you should reward yourself by doing Game of Thrones recaps! ^0^ Though, going chapter by chapter will take ages, maybe two or three characters' chapters at a time? Hmmm... The show would work better, I'm sure, but, come on, that's too easy. :P Either way, it'd be a much less miserable task than slogging through this shit. It has a PLOT! What a novel idea! A story with a plot! And I think you've mentioned that you and D-Rock love it, so doing recaps for it might be just the therapy you need. XD

  41. (1) Christian Grey, he of the permanent stick up the ass, said, "It's all good" to Ana? I think not.

    (2) How can Ana's birthday dress hug her curves when she's 85 pounds with the body of a 13 year old boy?

    (3) It's a pet peeve of mine when grown women use the word "daddy." Given Ana's immaturity, I'm not at all surprised that she does it, but it still grosses me out.

    1. I was wondering about the curves too. I think I've read that people with eating disorders have skewed perceptions of their bodies, so maybe that's part of it? I have no idea.

      And I still use mommy and daddy sometimes - maybe because my youngest siblings are still teens so I hear it more often.

    2. Huge pet peeve of mine, but a woman can be very thin and still have curves. I don't recall whether James ever describes Ana's body type, but a woman who is pear or hourglass has curves, regardless of weight.

      I sure had curves when I was 15 and a size 3.

    3. I think Ana is supposed to be more childlike in body considering how much pigtails have been played up on her, her childlike innocence, and her referring to her father as Daddy. She's supposed to be a kid who just happens to be legal to have sex with because this somehow makes her more innocent.

  42. I currently weigh 90 lbs (Really. Metabolic disorder. Don't yell at me.) and I still have some pretty noticeable curves. I'm not exactly Beyonce, but I'm a C-cup with a pretty well-developed ass from martial arts, so it is possible.

    With Ana's eating disorder the dress would be hugging a lot more than curves, though. I don't think jutting hip bones and a cavernous stomach were quite what E.L. James had in mind, but it's certainly what's going through my head.

    1. Imma point out here that people with eating disorders can actually be fat and the idea that everyone isn't is kinda hurtful to them because, you know, people don't believe them and stuff.

    2. Also, hypothyroidism can leave you gaunt, nothing to do with food.

    3. Laina, I hadn't thought about that. Thanks for telling me. I'm sorry I encouraged that idea.

  43. I feel sick.

    She must have creamed her panties.

    1. Ooookay Pattinson what are you up to.

      I envisage and envision opera glasses and popcorn at that party.

    2. can we just focus on the fact that (according to that article) R-Patz had a Great Gatsby themed party with catered tacos?


      I don't think he read the book.

    3. He must be new money.

    4. There's a lot of speculation that he's gunning for the role since his career is pretty much stalled whereas jumping into the role of Christian, which is pretty much Edward, while a career-ended, would at least extend his career for a few more years. Problem? Aside from a lot? His abs in Twilight for his shirtless sparkle were painted on.

      This is RPatz:

      As Eddie, look where the supposed muscle-indents are, especially the top set. In one picture they are right across from each other, and in the other, the on to our right side is lower.

      Are they really going to have him get cold and light with makeup all over him to fake abs? Probably. So few actors who've been rumored to be involved have NOT said hell no, and so many actresses have openly scoffed at being tied to Ana. There's an official release date one year out, but no cast yet.

    5. I actually hope he gets it because I'm so afraid someone I actually like will take that roll and ruin himself for me.

    6. I hope he gets it too (that is, if we can't have Gilbert Gottfried). He played Edward as a self-hating loon, so he could do the same thing for Christian and we'd all *know*. On the other hand, the guy's a hoot, and I wouldn't want someone that funny to be saddled with such a dickweed role.

  44. Gee, I think I finally realised why Ana keeps slut-shaming Kate so much for kissing her boyfriend.

    "Oh my. What a very public display of affection."

    Apparently, this is the height of PDA for her. Being grinned at. Everything that goes beyond that is filthy and obscene!

    1. Also,

      "//He grins down at me.// Oh my. What a very public display of affection. He bends and kisses me. "Come. Let's go see your dad."
      "Yes. And I get to drive?"
      //He grins down at me.// "Of course. It's yours.""

      Dat repetition. I think James wasn't giving a fuck anymore.


    I emailed this to you last night but wasn't sure I had an address that worked, so posting it here too. I was inspired by your reviews of the first book to make a LOLpic. :oD

    1. NSFW warning would have been nice. Alas.

  46. Speaking as a narcissistic, sadistic bastard, I would have been okay with you continuing in torment. But Jack and Karen make Fifty Shades so much better ... And I suppose I am glad that you've found a way to make this enjoyable for you.

    Now, dance, monkey. Dance! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  47. Amazing as always! I decided to finally read the series my sister has the books so I don't have to spend money on that shit. But I did spend money on a big ass bottle of vodka to keep me company while reading them. By the end I'll probably consider alcohol poisoning mercy from the gods.

  48. Jen, I love you. The addition of Jack and Karen made this (almost) bearable. You should pick other sit-com characters at random and add them to the reviews.

  49. As a Seattle native, it's actually pretty common for someone to be a bigger fan of the Sounders than the Mariners. That's because the Mariners suck and the Sounders don't.

  50. while we are all on the subject of published fanfiction... i was wondering, since this is all so funny... are you going to do the abusive inferno next? if not do you know someone who is already doing it? im sure there is quite a bit of material in there that is entirely blog worthy. especially the part where the guy rips apart a metal chair and locks the love interest/student in his office with him and the ripped metal chair.

  51. In one of the GIFs, Karen says "Honey, turn around" instead of "Honey, what is this?..."
    Sorry, things like that bother me. I love your blog. :)

  52. I completely read the name of the restaurant as Le Pitocin, then I wondered if it was some incredibly lame attempt at foreshadowing or if EL was just an idiot.

    Also, it bothers me more than it should that Ray calls her "Annie." For one you'd think I'd have gotten used to people saying my name and not meaning me when my son went through an 80's music phase recently and I had to listen to Michael Jackson ask if I'm okay a thousand and twelve times a day.

    1. Apparently my phone hates Blogger.

      Anyway, two, I'm a complete name nerd. I should be used to people making up their own phonetic rules when it comes to names. I mean, it does make sense that in English Anastasia should beget a nickname said as "Ann-uh" and be spelled "Ana," but in general the nickname for Anastasia should be "Anya" or "Stacey" if you're a BSC fan and the name "Ana" should be said as "ahh-nah" not "Ann-uh." And Ana shouldn't get the nickname Annie.

      But that would be expecting these books to make sense and there's other name-related nits I could pick.

  53. I can confirm that soccer is pretty big in the NW. Timbers v Sounders v Whitecaps is a big deal so I have no problem believing he's a fan, bc I've been to the sold out games and seen the cray. It's just sad he's a Sounders fan, but totally believable. Now, the rest of the book... just no.

  54. Ok so I just came across this blog a few days ago from a link on Pinterest...crazy coincidence, the rerun of Will & Grace with Karen telling Jack she's the only one that matters was on earlier today... Love it

  55. 'This dude can only be charged within the laws that already exist to handle DUI.'

    Chedward can buy new laws, can't he? I mean he IS master of the universe (boom tish)

    'Is this an intervention to save Ana from her abusive relationship?!'

    You think Chedward would allow it if it was?


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