Sunday, June 16, 2013

That Time I Made Jessica Jarman Watch A Royal Affair

You may recall that last week I forced my dear friend Bronwyn Green to watch what is probably the saddest, most dramatic, most cheekbones-havingest costume porn of all time, A Royal Affair. As she watched it, she IMed me so that we could share the experience.

My friend and fellow romance novelist Jessica Jarman had not yet seen the film. Bronwyn and I felt we had an obligation to bully her into watching it. So that's what we did. And then... this happened:

First, Jessica IMs me to tell me that she's starting the movie:
Jessica: Just started A Royal Affair--didn't have a chance last night.
But I wasn't home.

This does not affect Jessica's conversation with me at all:
Jessica: oh hello cheekbones.... 
Ah some major eye-fucking going on right now. 
omg the dance...the dance.... I think I need a smoke after that.
They thought they could have it all....but they're wrong! WRONG!
I'm only halfway through this and I know it's going to kill me.
The king needs to grow a pair... and there they are.
Well that didn't turn out the way the Dowager predicted, did it?
Sitting in the dark thinking about the queen and king getting it on...he looks so...dejected.
Eventually, I did come home:
Jenny: OMG, LOL. I just came back from dinner, and I was like, "11 IMs?" 
OMG THE DANCING! Do you not want to lick his cheekbones?!
Jessica: YES!!!
Jenny: Are you still watching?
Jessica: Yes. He just yelled at the king when he wanted to have a holiday where women walk around naked.
Jenny: That's one of his few good ideas. Besides taxis.
Jessica: Oh and the, "you don't have to sign everything." Oh god, this is the beginning of the end isn't it? 
Now the dowager is threatening the maids with purgatory. *sigh*
 Jenny: And that gross sheets sniffing one is there. I'm sorry, if I were a housekeeper in the Age of Enlightenment, I'm not sniffing anybody's laundry.
Even if I think I smell sex.
ESPECIALLY if I smell sex.
Jessica: They just said I love you to each other. Which means soon it will all go to hell.
Some time later:
Jessica: I want to punch the dowager and her funky looking son.
Oh god.......torches! Where are the pitchforks???
Oh, I see them now. 
They just slapped the cheekbones! How DARE they??!! 
Jessica: Damn you, Jen! I'm already crying.
Jenny: I'm spreading this movie like a poison of sadness.
Jessica: Okay, it's over. I am a puddle of tears and feelings right now. 
Jenny: I hope you know, I'm going to blog this.
Jessica: LOL Will you at least correct my typos?
Jenny: Like Snape says about Lily Potter. ALWAYS. 
Since "I'm spreading this movie like a poison of sadness," if you watch it, let me know what you think!


  1. I kinds torrented this movie last year since it wasn't available here. I need to go buy it now (I've got no qualms about pirating something I will buy when it becomes available). How are the special features?

    I have a friend who claims that movies don't make her cry. She snickered at me bawling my eyes out during Les Mis, but openly sobbed during A Royal Affair.

    1. I don't have the dvd, I watched it on Netflix, so no special features, unfortunately.

  2. I bought the movie because I a.) Love Danish Royalty and b.) Love Mads Mikkelsen. It is such a good movie, but I definitely cried at the end.

    You should find Jagten (The Hunt). It's also Mads Mikkselsen, but it is depressing as fuck, but soooo good.

    1. He's really cornered the market on looking sensitive and sad in movies.

  3. You're not being home didn't hinder my IMing you in the least--though it was much more entertaining once you were home and responding. And now I'm peppering you with IMs on Hannibal, you poor soul. We have much to discuss when we are on vaca. :-D

  4. I watched this movie awhile back and absolutely adore it. Being an avid Mads fan, I try to devour all of his movies, and this one so far is one of my favorites.

  5. Totally watched A Royal Affair after your blog post with Bronwyn. Loved it! And I am going to subject my friend to it later. :P

  6. I love reading these. My friend and I do this ALL THE TIME for TV shows! (Sherlock, Doctor Who and now Hannibal....) Our IM conversations are terrible sometimes.

    It's fun, isn't it?

  7. Yep! I watched too after the first post. I tried to make my husband watch it with me. I enticed him with historical policy making, but he quickly caught on to my romantic costume drama-y ways and left the room. So sad. This movie led to a three hour spree on Wikipedia following the line of Danish monarchs for another 200 years.

  8. I saw the film on the big screen when it came out - do I win a point?! I love Mads and always see his films, and OMG but Alicia Vikander is so beautiful.

  9. The Hunt is excellent, as mentioned above. I also thoroughly recommend After the Wedding, In a Better World and The Green Butchers

  10. If I had instant messenger you would have found similar messages from me. Instead poor Bronwyn had to deal with my wrath at having sat through this movie. As I told her: I want my two hours back. She said I should take that up with you. I will not lie and say it wasn't beautifully done, but holy cats... the tears and tears and tears. My face is all blotchy. Thanks for spreading news of this movie like an Internet plague so I was doomed from the off to get caught up in it.


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