Monday, December 26, 2011

This is what happens to me every night.

Last night, I dreamt I was directing an episode of American Horror Story. I don't know how I got the job. I've never worked in film or television in my entire life. But there I was, trying to fake my way through directing an episode of a hugely popular tv show.

At this point, I should mention that in my dream, American Horror Story was more of a reality show, meaning it is filmed in that actual, haunted house, and all the characters, living and ghost, are real, not actors. So, there's an element of danger involved. The cast of characters from The Walking Dead are also involved, and the entire show is shot right on the very edge of the Israel-Palestine border, and we kept losing production assistants to border skirmishes. These skirmishes involved someone just stepping a foot over a big, black line painted on the ground, sitcom style, and the Israeli police would take them away for deportation back to America.

At one point, I realize I haven't been directing the actors at all. I've been setting up the scene and trying to get all the ghosts to cooperate, and I don't see anything wrong with the takes I'm rapidly putting away. In half a day we've filmed half the episode. And I know they're going to realize that I don't know what I'm doing. When Rick Grimes's crying is too "feminine", I tell my AD to make a note to dub it over in post. That sounds almost professional. I know what I'm doing!

I start talking to Jessica Lang, who is actually a crazy southern belle living in faded glory in the haunted house, and she's concerned that the cinematographer is filming things "too dark." I realize then that our cinematographer is the same guy who did The Godfather Part II. I realize we are fucked, no one will be able to see a damn thing on film. I go to talk to him, and am immediately attacked by the frankenbabycreature from American Horror Story.

There is no closure to this story.

Monday, December 12, 2011

At this Christmas season, a plea for sense and rationality to my fellow Christians...

It's that time of year again. The time of year when Facebook status updates turn from "Anyone want 2 naughty children?" and "My husband is my best friend. Repost if your husband is your best friend," to "Some dumb bitch at Target had the nerve to say Happy Holidays to me, like I'm a goddamned Satan worshipper or a Jew or something. HOW VERY DARE THEY! CHRIST IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!" and other such very, very tolerant Christian nonsense.

I'm a Catholic. Yes, I realize this means that to about 95% of the other Christian religions, I'm a godless Mary worshipper and not a Christian, but believe me, there is a lot of Jesus happening in our branch of Catholicism. So let me just make this plea, on behalf of all sane and rational Christians in the word. GUYS STOP ACTING LIKE WE'RE PERSECUTED.

From the annual "Happy Holidays is taking the Christ out of Christmas" explosion to the recent "Good for Lowe's for pulling ads from that show that makes Muslims appear to be fellow humans" nonsense, I've just had it. At least twice a day I get emails or I see status updates on facebook that urge me to copy/paste if I'm not ashamed of Jesus. You know what? I'm not ashamed of Jesus. I'm just worried that someone might think I'm full on Shirley from Community.

I think my fellow Christians and I are missing a really big point. We don't need our government to celebrate our holidays. We don't need to see only Christian material on television. We need to do what Jesus wants us to do. We need to treat our fellow humans with respect. Early Christians, the ones who had to hide for fear of their lives, the ones who were killed for their beliefs, would want to fucking smack us for calling our offense at a cashier giving us vague holiday wishes "persecution". Stop attaching Jesus's name to things he couldn't care less about, like whether or not a muslim family has a reality show or a nativity is on a courthouse lawn.

Also, Jesus wants us to save Community. And he wants The Talking Heads to start making music again. JESUS WANTS IT, DAVID BYRNE. JESUS WANTS IT.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Check me out, I'm an internet superstar!

I'm so excited and pleased to announce that I will be blogging every Wednesday over at This is so exciting. I've always wanted to be a part of one of those group blogs, but never had the opportunity. It makes me feel like one of the cool kids.

In other news, I've been taking viewers on a guided tour of my Blood Ties series over on the youtube.

That's the first one. Visit my youtube channel (and subscribed!) to ride the rest of this train with flames on the side straight into Awesometown.